I have a T I might be able to tell this stuff to, if I can just get past this thing where I keep talking about irrelevant crap instead. These things that don't really matter to me. I feel like everyone else is always watching to see if I fall apart. I know they're intentions are heartfelt but I can't take that kind of speculation about my life.

Over the past three days, I've attempted to relieve some of this mental warfare. I haven't done so in the healthiest ways. Self-harm, drugs... they're as useless to relieve me as all of my "healthier" coping mechanisms. I've tried forcing myself into bad mindsets while high so that I can deal with it while I'm on a controlled trajectory, followed by bringing my mind back to healthier subjects. What I'm doing is for every bad thought, I force myself to look back on (at least) two good memories. My goal is to keep my mind from going tunnel vision like I know it's gearing up to do. Hell, it might've already started. I just don't feel as though I can save myself from this one because my brain isn't really listening to anything other than the fixation on death.

I'm too tired to keep doing this.