T today. I was wearing a denim jacket. As I was walking back, he said, "Wow, a denim jacket! I love it! Haven't seen one of those in a while." Me: "Well, they are popular again." T: "I hadn't noticed." Me: "I'm not from the 80s!" T: "Well, older stuff is popular again." On a related note, I believe he was wearing R2D2 socks.

We sat down. T: "So...how was your weekend?" Me: "It was OK." T: How'd it go with H? Did you talk to him about anything?" Me: "Yeah...I did end up talking to him about the stuff with D. Except...it was when I was drunk, so not the best time to talk about it, plus it's a bit hazy. Which I know is bad..." T: "Yeah, probably not the ideal time to talk about. And you said you don't recall parts of it?" Me: "Yeah, plus I apparently got really dark after talking about it." T: "What do you mean by 'dark'?"
Me: "Though I don't recall it all too well, especially the getting dark part. I know, it's really bad to say that I don't remember stuff, and I know I say I drink more than I should, but I don't actually get drunk that often, maybe once every month or two. But still I know it's bad to not remember..." T: "I want to stop you here to make sure you're clear that I'm not passing judgment on you here. I'm not getting on that train." Me: "Thanks for clarifying that. Ex-MC would have said something..." T: "You're doing plenty of self-judging all on your own. I don't need to add to that." Me: "Yeah, thanks. I know I'm really hard on myself. I just want to make sure you know that I realize all of this isn't OK."

Talked some about what H had said, how he'd agreed that he needs to dial it back a bit with D. T said he was impressed that he'd said that. I agreed, expecting H to fight it more. I said he also said that I could help alert him to when he was crossing a line, but that I felt I needed to discuss more with him how to do that. Because I worried if I alerted him at the time, it could make him more upset. T said that's something I need to discuss with him, that there isn't a clear ideal way to do it. There's a risk of undermining him. One suggestion he made was like a pro wrestling match, where I could offer to "tag in" if things seemed to be getting tense with him and D. That (or another sports metaphor) could help show H that we're on same team. Talked a bit more about that.

I mentioned how I was pretty wiped out, partly due to a bit of a cold (I said I'd try not to breathe on him) and partly because D had woken up at 4:30 this morning and not gone back to sleep and kept calling me in every 15 minutes (eventually I just gave her the Kindle Fire). T: "Ugh." I talked more about her chronic sleeping issues, plus I'm not a good sleeper as it is, so I feel like I'm usually sleep-deprived. T said that could affect many different areas, including emotional lability. Me: "Hm..." T: "Along with concentration, short-term memory." Me: "I do tend to struggle with concentrating. But I figured I just adapted to not getting much sleep, so I'm used to it."

T cited a study where they tried to show that people got used to sleep deprivation--even just getting 6-7 vs. 8 hours. They tried for 8 weeks, but they were still getting worse. Added 8 more weeks. Then finally at 40 weeks, they opted to stop the study, because people just kept doing worse, they didn't adapt. I said I found that to be really interesting, because I've always struggled with sleep, but even more since having D because of her sleep issues. So maybe I'm just chronically sleep-deprived.

T said how along with sleep, it's also how I'm taking care of myself overall--what I'm eating/drinking, plus exercise. He compared it to maintaining a car. I said I felt I'd let a lot of that slip with me lately and how they probably all played on each other, like I didn't get much sleep, so no energy to exercise, etc. He said how eating includes everything you put in your body. I was like "Including alcohol..."

I said I felt like a failure at times that I'd manage to reduce drinking for a bit, then slip back into it, like something would happen. But that I felt I should just be able to cut back, that it showed I was weak that I couldn't. T: "But drinking is tied into so many things for you. Positive associations with your H, a way to deal with anxiety and other negative emotions, connections with your social circle. It makes sense that it's difficult to just stop or cut back, without having other things to take its place." Me: "Thanks, hearing that makes me feel better."

He said he considers exercise to be the easiest to put back in, because "You only have to be good for that 30 minutes of the day." Which actually made sense to me. Like he said eating, you have to keep monitoring that all day. He said in the same way that negative habits can build on each other, positive ones have a way of building, too. So session ended on a more hopeful note.

Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for next week. Went over to pay, and we each started reaching our hands toward the other, then he said, "Wait, didn't you say you were a bit sick?" Me (pulling back my hand): "Yeah, sorry, was just doing this out of habit." T: "Have a good few days." Me: "Thanks, you too!" I pulled my hand into my coat sleeve as I went to open the door, saying, "See, I won't even touch your door handle!" T smiled and said I was funny. Then I headed out (also using coat sleeve on waiting room doors).