My head’s so loud the past two days it’s like a migraine all the time. I read a blog post and realized how suicidal I am. I won’t/can’t do anything. The last thing I need is a hospitalization. Hell living in a hotel is kinda like the hospital without the groups or med change. I’ve been trying to nap/sleep and I’m waking up with anxiety attacks. I’m drinking soda again. Fixing the car is going to be $1000+. My nephew went to our apartment today. (I wish I knew) I guess they aren’t going to replace the flooring, Grrr...This is different then “I can survive without meds!” I’m usually like “Yeah, this is happening but I can deal with it”. Right now it’s “I can’t handle anything else.” I know they hate me but there’s nothing I can do to change it. I want to curl up and go away. I’m worried Miguel’s hatred will continue when he grows up and he won’t speak to me. I think I may need a therapist but it’s not like they have helped me. Plus all the therapists I’ve seen won’t see me without medication because I’m a “suicide risk”. I would love to drink but then I’d want to hurt myself more. I’m starting to think “I’ll get use to this.” I’ll be fine in a couple of days. This whole thing sucks.

PS this took me HOURS to write. I’m sorry I’m thought skipping.