I had a breakdown
At the tender age of 18.
I used to wonder why
Even though I was
Top of my class
For all of primary
That I never recieved
One word of praise.
I considered that
My family were simply
Repressed and Autoritarian.
I wondered why I
Felt so depressed when
I was supposed to have
All this potential.
At an athletics club
My friend said that
A coach said I could
Have been a high jumper.
Brains and sporty.
Yet all my family
Did was find ways
To criticise me
And make me feel
Worthless and insignificant.
My on off best friend
Got dismayed with me
Because she said I
Did not show my
Emotions sometimes especially
If I was excited.

Because of my breakdown
I realised that in
Order to move forward
I had to find out
Why I pushed myself
To breaking point.
I knew that alcohol
Was a huge problem
In my family.
I knew that my mum
Preferred my brother,
In plain daylight
He was handed more.
So why was I treated
Differently? I knew
That I rebelled because
My mum poisoned
My grandparents against
Me and they were
My only sanctuary of peace
In my life. But why?
I did everything right
And I felt like they
Would look for ways
To belittle me.
When I was a talented
Kid whom they should
Have been proud of.
Yet they just
Wanted to get
Rid of me as soon
As possible. They
Undermined my academic
Abilities in hope it
Would steer me to
Joining the army.
I did want another family
Like in the forces,
But that was not
The life for me.
When I had a fight
With a friend and
Her mum phoned
My mum agreed with
Them without even
Asking for my side
Of the story saying
I was anything but
An angel and did not
Say anything in my defence.
When I got my standard
Grades I said my
Results are on the table
For you, look I....
And I was completely ignored.
I remember being
On holiday at family
In England and my Aunt
Noticed how I was
Ignored when I
I kept asking my mum why
Did they leave me
And my cousin in
The house and took
My younger brother along
To a meal out? Some holiday.
I'm guessing it was
To save money.
Everything was money
Money, money at
Both sides of the fence.
And she ignored me
On other trips we made.
Not even saying
Leave it till later,
When my eyes welled up.
My Aunt said to calm me down
Keep doing your art it will help.
In hospital a nurse
Asked me: do you feel
Like the world is
Against you, it's not you
Know your still young.