My Support Forums - View Single Post - Does anyone else live in fear that their T is going to fire them?

LabRat27 · Oct 30, 2018, 12:39 PM

Yep. Especially because he's done it once before.

I've told him about my impulses to sabotage it

Possible trigger:

by hurting myself really badly, because it was repeated ER visits that made him terminate the first time

I asked for his word that he wouldn't let me ruin everything in one week. I explained that it was like

Possible trigger:

when someone commits suicide in a car they almost always still find brake marks because instinct is to brake at the last minute. And doing something like hurting myself so badly that he'd terminate would be like me pushing myself across the point of no return. And that if I knew that one incident wouldn't be enough to get him to terminate then there'd be no point in doing it because I already know I'd brake after. The urge is to "get it over with" impulsively and not be able to change my mind later. If I can change my mind I already know I will.

He gave me his word that he wouldn't let a single incident like that be a reason for termination, and that if he did end up eventually feeling like he needed to terminate again that he'd talk about it with me first instead of it being an unexpected and unilateral decision again.

I've also told him things like when I wanted to try to make him angry at me so that he would hate me or that I've wanted to SH because he'd been happy that I was doing better and I wanted to prove that I'd always let him down and ruin things or w/e. Basically communicating my urges to sabotage myself. It's been really helpful bc once I get them out there it's a lot less tempting to act on them and he actually knows what's going on and can better help me.

I hope your T is understanding and you get the response and support that you need. I'm glad you spoke up and I know it's scary and not easy. Hang in there.