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It's been a little over 8 weeks since I last saw you. It's the longest I have ever gone without seeing you in the past three years. It was our last goodbye.
Although you said that we wouldn't fall apart, I did fall apart. I have fallen apart. Many times. The grief I told you I would feel in being separated from you is beyond what I imagined. There have been times when I have literally fallen to my knees and sobbed. The grief and ache engulf my whole being. It is as if you have died.
As difficult as it was, in my last session with you, I told you everything. I unburdened myself with my truth as I saw it and felt it and experienced it. I was so scared to hurt you, and I'm sure you were hurt, but I was so relieved to hear you say that you knew it was not my intention to do so. I know you were surprised to realize your lack of self-awareness in the months leading up to our last session. I like to believe that I was able to see you very clearly. That I know you in my own way although I know no specific details of your life. I like to believe that I affected you in a way that was unexpected to you and that as a result you unconsciously tried to distance yourself from me.
You are not a bad therapist. We just affected each other too much.
You are the first man, person, with whom I have experienced such an intense relationship. How I wish and dream and hope that I will encounter you in my life again and that somehow we would be friends. Soul friends. Am I delusional? Narcissistic in my belief of how much I touched your life too? Thing is, I don't think so.
This missing, this ache, is unbearable at times. The grief will hit me at unexpected times. I cry for what I dread will never be. I don't want another therapist. Although I did think about seeing one because I could barely function. But I can't. I have no desire for therapy. That process. Another therapist. No. Never again.
I am slowly coming to accept that I will always miss you. That I will never get over my grief. There is no getting over you. That I will just learn to live with my grief. I will have to carry it with me. It is the price I am paying for loving you. It is a pure love. I don't know if I would ever be able to explain it.
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"But it's in my roots, it's in my veins / It's in my blood and I stain every heart that I use to heal the pain." - River Lea by Adele
Last edited by NativeSky; Oct 30, 2018 at 10:08 PM.
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