Had to wait for T for a bit. One of the other therapists there has an office directly connected to the waiting area. His door was open and I could see his setup. Was kind of weird, looked very different from my T's office. When T came to get me, for some reason I had some kind of doubt about whether it would actually be him, so I looked up and directly at him. Normally I never look at him in the waiting room, I even turn my head away from him when shaking hands. He looked so happy that I made eye contact. Like really proud and genuinely content. He even spread his arms a bit as if he were saying 'yep, I'm here'.

After sitting down, he asked me how the rest of my interviews went. I said they were fine, I have follow-up meetings scheduled with all three companies. And I wrote some more applications during the weekend. He asked whether I knew what I'd like to do the most. We talked some about the line of work I'd be getting into and he said he thought it would fit me well since it doesn't involve a lot of team work. I said funny you should say that, one of the people I talked to on Friday said something like 'you strike me as very team oriented'. T laughed out loud. I told him how I had thought to myself that's not the case at all, but of course I didn't tell that person. T said how this shows one of my strengths, to convince people of something even if it's not true.

He asked what else had happened during the week? I told him about how I had started my meds, he wanted to know when I started and on what dose I was now. Asked about side effects, which I don't really experience. He said I should stay on this dose for a while and we'd see in 2-4 weeks how it goes.

Then I told him how I had been really scared on Monday. But then Tuesday and today it had been fine. He mentioned how I switch between different moods really quickly. He asked what my fear was, and I said I'm scared to die. He asked about triggers, I said the possibility of war, deforestation and then on Sunday my mom mentioned how a friend of the family had died.

He wanted to know more about that friend. My dog has a couple of siblings, and one of those other dogs went to a couple with which we still had some contact from time to time, so the dogs could hang out. The guy of that couple died some weeks ago, he was 40 and had cancer. T asked whether I felt it affected me a lot if I heard something like that? While I think this is the case, it didn't make me sad, just scared.

He asked whether I was more scared of a slow or sudden death? I said sudden. He mentioned how a lot of people are more scared of a slow death since they realize what is happening. While I can see that, I think at least then you can somehow prepare. You can talk to people, say good bye. If it's sudden, you're all by yourself.

He said how if it were sudden like a car crash, I'd probably not be thinking about being alone in that moment. Adrenalin kicks in and you are just worried about staying alive. And if it's bad enough you pass out really quickly. I said I get that, but you can still think for some seconds. And in that case you're by yourself most probably. He wanted to know how it would help if people were there. I said it would be comforting to hold somebodys hand, to talk to them, to have somebody know that you're scared. He told me that in case of an accident it would be probable that people came to help and those people would be there, but I said that's not the same, they don't really get it. They can't know just how scared I am.

We talked some more about what you might think in that moment. At some point I said "even if it's just a split second, you probably will think of something" and T replied "yeah, probably '****'". We both laughed about that.

He asked about my parents. Did they ever talk about being scared of death? Do they believe in God? I said they were rather spiritual, but they never talked to me about the fear of death. I can recall some instances where they grieved. But showing fear? No.

After some silence, he told me that most people have this fear. Probably even all of them. He himself experiences it from time to time. He said it's probably more intense for young people like me. But even when you're old it's still scary. He said how he has kids and a family and he worries about leaving them behind. Most of the time the worry comes when you're already not doing well and then you think of all the things you still want to experience and do. And then you're annoyed by that fear. And later you do other things to distract you, and probably most of these things are annoying as well! I laughed again, he joined me.

He said how people are scared of growing old. They go through surgery to look younger. That all shows how they are scared of dying. They just don't talk about it. But everyone's scared of this, it happens to all of us, no matter whether we're pretty or ugly, rich, intelligent.

At some point he wanted to know what he could do for me in times like this. I said I didn't know, I didn't think there's anything he could do, no matter what he does, it doesn't change the fact I'll die. He said that he believes no matter how scared you are, it's always possible to calm down even just a tiny bit. He also mentioned how it might help for me to hear that he's scared as well. That everyone experiences this. Because that means I'm not alone. We're all somehow connected by this fear. And when I die I know that I have a partner who loves me and with whom I sometimes had good times. And that I have good times here in my sessions as well, at least he hopes I do. I nodded and started to cry even more. After letting me cry for a while, he said he also wanted me to comfort myself. It didn't sound like an order, it sounded really compassionate and caring. I said crying is comforting.

After some time, he said it's time to slowly stop. We scheduled something for next week since, he'll be gone on Friday.