Right now, I'm preparing for therapy today. Huh, I don't know if I can talk about the things I need to. These memories keep coming up and they're so intense that I flinch like it's happening again. I kept having hallucinations of one of my abusers. They showed up by taking over my friend's face. The more this continues, the more I can't help but think that life is just meaningless.

I'm having some physical issues as well. Right underneath my surgery scar (and next to my artery) is so sensitive and painful. This is an area that hasn't had any feeling in four years. And my friends are worried about it. They want me to see a doctor about it, but I don't see the point for a couple reasons. One, I have my semi-annual oncology appointment on the 26th and can simply bring it up then if it's still a problem. Two, I simply don't care.

My urge to self-harm is getting to a point where I want to do more than what I'd normally do. I'm wanting to seriously hurt myself and those thoughts keep coming in and out. I had to take anxiety meds last night because of that and the memories. I have friends who are fighting and I'm being affected by it. It's making me feel even more chaos in my head and pain in my chest than normal. I'm feeling like five years of my life has been thrown in the trash. I'm feeling as though I'm complaining too much right now and I should delete this and shut up. I'm trying hard to fight that one.

Thank you for checking on me. I don't deserve you guys here. You're all really good friends.