I told him that I had been to the doctor and the doctor thinks I am having anxiety attacks. I said I think that what's happening in therapy is strongly impacting on the anxiety. He said that's understandable and that it was apparent when I emailed him last week that anxiety was very high. I told him about the dog who detected my high cortisol levels and how normally I am good at disguising what's going on inside of me but the dog saw right through it.

He asked what the doctor said and I said he offered meds but I don't want them so there's nothing else he can do really. I told him there are certain things I can do because something needs to change. I told him firstly I think we need to ease off the deep stuff in therapy for s bit. I said secondly I have decided to take a break from a freelance type of work I do and I've emailed the people who buy my services and told them I'm taking a break after the current piece of work is finished. I said thirdly I am looking into meditation classes locally. T said he thinks looking at my breathing and focusing could be really beneficial to me.

Then he said he knows I want to take a break from the deep stuff but as he read my emails this week he thought "She's cracked it" he said it's obvious I was working hard and there was a progression between the emails. I said yes but making connections and feeling different are two different things. T said that linking the "there and then" to the "here and now feelings" is likely to be the most difficult part for me. I said yes and I don't want to talk about it any more. He asked how I was feeling, i said anxious. He said "can you breathe through the anxiety?" I just looked at him and looked around the room. He said "does that make sense?" I continued to look around the room. I said "I guess it probably does but I'm not listening". He said "where have you gone?" I said "you're not hearing me that I don't want to talk about this any more".

He said "I feel like we need to change the subject entirely. I don't know where to go". I wanted to tell him that I brought jenga and some poetry books but for some reason I couldn't. I told him I have things I want to say but can't. Then after a few minutes I told him I had a book of poems and I read him some by Edward Lear and talked to him about why I love Edward Lear. T didn't really know much about him.

Then I read him some of my poems from my phone. As I cycled through I said "I'm not reading you that, it's silly" he laughed. I said it's just about Copernicus. T said Copernicus is really important. He said he is a good metaphor for therapists. He said it's important that a therapist realises that the universe doesn't revolve around them, that actually they are a pretty insignificant rock hurtling through space. I said I hadn't thought about it like that before. T said (I think forgetting he was in T role) "I sometimes think 'what are we worrying about little things for when in the grand scheme of things we are just insignificant creatures clinging to a rock hurtling through space". I smirked at him and said "I bet you don't make a habit of saying that to your clients" he said "No! And I'm not saying it to you as a client, I'm just saying it in relation to Copernicus". He added "I say it to myself sometimes though".

I read him poetry for about 30 minutes altogether. He asked me why it is a safe place for me. I said because it is light and free and creative and fun. It's the opposite of how I felt last week. I said I felt so bad, awful. He nodded knowingly. He said something about what I wrote about I said I probably never could because I am too scared. He said "Good!". He said it's useful to talk about me feeling that way but he's glad I have that response to the idea.

He said "I've done my homework. I got you a present" and handed me a bag containing blank wooden Russian dolls. We had talked about the idea of me decorating some but I didn't know he was going to buy me some. I thanked him.

I looked at him for ages. He asked me if I could still feel the anxiety. I said it's hard to say. My heartbeat feels quickened but that's because I am feeling love. I like what I'm feeling right now. He said "good". I said I dont just feel love towards you, I feel love from you too. He nodded and had such warmth in his eyes. It was lovely.

I told him I brought jenga but there wasn't time to play it so I just wanted to leave it in his room. T didn't say anything, he just smiled as I put it down. Time was up so I stood up and hugged him. He smelled good. I love hugging him.

As I left I told him about my meeting yesterday and that it went well in spite of the dog sniffing out my anxiety. He said she should bring him every time. I felt that he would probably find it useful to have a dog who could tell him what I'm feeling on the inside, because I'm so non-demonstrative on the outside.

We said seeya next week, and I left.