Today’s session turned from emotional fire fighting into learning how to stay in the present moment. I began by telling R about the contract, and my concerns regarding promotional photos for work. Then I redirected and talked about the energy that I’m using keeping things at bay.


‘I do not want this experience to be the thing that defines me.’

‘Strong words there, almost like a mantra.’

‘The thing that separates the two experiences is that with Chris there was movement.’

I did not give voice to the critic, but it was very vocal at this point.

‘Stay with it, turn the filter down.’


I talked about how it was one thing after another, and I never got any reassurance.

‘It sounds as though it was just you going through this.’

‘Yes. I feel as though I should have been able to walk away. I knew it was too much.’

‘You knew it was too much. I feel as though there was something dutiful about it. Did you feel as though you had a supporter role?’

‘Yes – I felt like if I left something awful would happen, and I would not know about it.’

At this point, I wanted to acknowledge how that related to my fears around Chris’s death. For a long time, I feared there would come a point where I just would not hear anything again.

‘There was a couple of weeks, and then there was the bathroom scene.’

We talked some more about that, and then R mentioned that she had received my e-mail.


‘When you e-mail me, I really sense your desire to bring all of your pain into this space. When we’re talking now, I feel connected, but when you’re trying to go to that painful place, I cannot see you, your face is turned away.’


‘Here I go in storyteller mode.’

R told me that she remembers when we first met and I brought the timeline to every session ‘like a comfort blanket.’


She said ‘Now you’re learning to feel it’, and then corrected herself because she thought it was condescending. She noted the difference in my presentation, and encouraged me to think back on how when we first started, I wanted her to know every detail. Now the focus is on wanting to stay in the present moment.


‘Without getting into too much theory, I see different parts of you. There is a part of you that is fearful of expressing emotion of, there is part of you that wants to feel this, and there is part of you that wants to run away.’

‘I feel like I’m running away most of the time. There is only so long I can keep the mask on. It's good to have a place where I can let it breathe.’


R volunteered that she is reading a book on mindfulness at the moment. She asked whether I still use techniques, and offered that she could see whether her supervisor [first time she has mentioned having a supervisor] might have anything to offer.

In closing, she asked me for two words to describe how I was feeling: ‘Let’s name some emotions…I’ll do the same.’



‘Relaxed, and fluent.’



‘I feel relaxed, but my brain is very active. I’m not sure of the word for that. Physically calm.’

‘I am in a similar place.’



We scheduled for next week.