Hi to all,

I cannot recall the last time I posted, or even read anything on this forum. Previously I was very active. My ability to interact is demonstrated by my last journal entry on January 4th 2018 where I described incidents of finding myself frozen, mid-pace, in my flat for over ten minutes at a time. Until two weeks ago I did not journal again. This is after decades of regular journalling. My brain just broke leaving me to fall into an abyss.

All of this year I have been ill in some way to varying degrees. I have had skin cancer, severe Fibromyalgia, a horrible delayed reaction to an antidepressant that was actually working but instead left me vomiting and unable to eat for a month, and of course Bipolar which only worsened thought out the year. Yesterday I was discharged from a psych hospital after being there four weeks. I had 5 sessions of ECT and am scheduled to have weekly maintenance sessions starting next Thursday. I almost took my life several times, hence the long IP stay and ECT. My mood swings from deep depression to hypomania swiftly, sometimes mania then back down again. I am 'normal' for only brief amounts of time. My diagnosis is BP1 with psychotic features, mixed features and rapid cycling.

I guess I am writing this as I find myself in my right mind in need of support. This year has been a blur. I have not been at work since March and am not sure what to expect when I am able to return to work. I am casual so am flexible with hours but of course they have to need me. I have also not been to university this year. I have lost friends. Bipolar is eating me alive but I will not give up. From now I am trying to take my life back.