Well, I finally got to see the psychiatrist today. God, was it horrible. I was so hoping they could start some meds today, because I really need some relief. I feel like I going out of my mind. I've been off my medication since the 10th of July. That's when I had my heart surgery and they discovered that the Clozaril (Clozapine) that I had been for almost 14 years, most likely had a lot to do with my heart disease - yeah!! Needless to say, the cardiologist took me off of it immediately, so I haven't been back to the doc to get started some something else,until today, for a couple of reasons. #1: I thought, with my mentally ill brain, that it woulfd be better to wait until I got through the healing process from the surgery and it's aftermath, before I took that on. It would only be a few months and I'd be fine, right?? Yeah, whatever, there I go thinking again without running by someone else who knows me well, and has seen what this thing does to me. #2: When the mania started maybe 3 days post-op, I went into immediate denial. Really, do we do that?? I was telling my friends and family, insisting, that I had all that energy because I felt so much better. I had energy. I could think better. I felt GOOD, for the first time in a long time, and that heart surgery was the best thing that ever happened to me. I had all this time on my hands and I was journaling literally hundreds of pages. On top of that, I was taking on project after project. I was constantly cleaning and organizing, to the best of my ability. I was still healing and my husband kept telling me to slow down. I was taking on too much and I was gonna hurt myself. I filled a notebook up with life goals. I had my fitness goals planned all the way out to 2028 (when I planned on running the Arkansas Marathon, even though, to date, I've never run a day in my life. I was sleeping 2 hours a night if that, and that went on for literally months. But, I wasn't manic. I swear I wasn't. Has anyone else ever been there?? Then the weird stuff started... auditory, some visual and tactile hallucinations, which I blamed on confusion from low blood pressure and anemia, caused by a GI bleed. But, when they fixed the GI issues and I stableized, the weirdness stayed and started to frighten me. Then I told my husband and my 2 closest friends that I thought I was in the middle of a cycle. Their response was really?? You think so?? Then they explained that they'd known it all along, but they new I'd be impossible to convince me until I realized it myself, so they'd just been keeping an eye on me for signs of alie threatening crisis, because they've seen me there too many times to count. So, I called to make an appointment and he clinic couldn't get me in for a month and basically told me to 'hang in there. (God, this is getting long, I'm sorry.) A little over a week ago, I had a total meltdown in my cardiologists office, because I was in, what I call, the crash period of the cycle and I couldn't stop crying, and when I had the that the we all would have been better off if I''d just died, I got scared. So my cardiologist called and tried to get my appointment moved up, but they couldn't do it. So they prescribed a low dose of clonopin, 3 times a day and, once again told me to "hang in there. I'd get some relief soon". So that's the back ground. Sorry it was so long, but I felt you needed to know that, to understand what happened today , and why i'm such a wreck. I go in there today, optomistic that they are going to be able to give me something today and I could start getting my life and my sanity back. WRONG!! Because of my numerous medications and health issues, apparently it's not that easy to find a treatment that is safe for me. So the doctor, the nurse, the pharmacist and the medical director are going to have to have a "pow-wow" to figure out what (if anything - that scares the hell out pf me) they can give that will be effective and safe. Can you say crushing disappointment?? When she told me that she didn't even know if there was a medication therapy that would be appropriate and safe for me, I lost it!! I asked her what the hell I was supposed to do if that happened and told her, point blank that If I go un-medicated, this mentally illness will kill me, literally. Anyone been there, too?? I know I'm not the only one that's that severely affected. It completely tears my life apart and the lives of everyone who loves me. I can't bare it. It scares me. It scares me to the point that I've been physically sick ever since I got home. Anyway, the medical director of the clinic is out of town until Monday, o it will atleast that long before they ca even discuss it. So she gave me a prescription for more clonopin (yeah). No really, I hate it. On the one had, it has calmed down a little bit of the crazy, but on the other hand, I'm a recovering addict. I've been clean for 18 years, and benzos were one of my drugs of choice. I hate the idea of taking them, but i'm doing it anyway. I mean, what else can I do?? I just have to remember everyday to take them as prescribed - interesting concept, huh?? Fortunately, after 18 years, it's a lot easier to do that. And, to top things off, there seems to have been absolutely no "rest period between episodes this time. I swear, that's never happened before. There's always been atleast a few days of "normal" before the storm hits again. But, I noticed today that the mania is climbing again. I got up at approximately 3:00am this morning. It's 12:30am and I'm not even remotely tired. My husband is a sleep, so there's only so much I can do to occupy my time, without disturbing him. So, I'm feeling manic, but I'm also crying non-stop. Maybe, if I'm really lucky, it'll be a mixed episode and I can have the best of both worlds. I do so love that!! (Sometimes, when you feel like your at the end of your rope, sarcasm is all you have, you know??) Anyway, I could go on forever, I think I already have, so I'm gonna let you guys off the hook, and hope like hell some of you read this, because I seriously need some input and insight from people who REALLY understand. Sorry it's an epic novel. Thanks. Looking forward to your take on the whole situation. I hope it makes atleast a little bit of sense and doesn't sound like a dis-jointed manic rant.