Like many youths
I was not sure what
I wanted to do. I
Only applied to the
Navy because It was
A get out of jail
Free card. Just
A way to get out
Of this town that
Had backwards views
Of people who
Recieved psychiatric care.
Many still calling it
By its name it was
Called 150 years passed.
And some confusing it
With a home for
People who were deemed
Mentally handicapped back
When it was called,
Bilbohall funny farm.
I would not have
Passed the running test
If I had even tried
To pass the interview.
I had been on
Strong medication like
Any other illness.
To re-align the chemical
Imbalance in the brain
From my breakdown.
The man said I
Am not sure you
Scored high enough
For the writers job.
I don't think he
Even read all my
Application, he just
Saw a timid young girl.
Who struggled to cover
Her slang in answers
So I did hang back
And took my time answering.
He would have seen
This delay. He mistook
It for not having enough
Social interaction with peers.
When the opposite was true.
Granted my highers
Did not reflect what
I was capable of.
And my Art teacher
Hit the roof I was
Informed by a clasmate.
My design project was
Left slightly abandoned.
The final drawing,
Was full of rubber stains.
I withdrew from
The maths exam.
Better nothing than
A big fat F for fail.
And I was a whisker
Away from passing French.
But I was glad
To get the glaring eye
Of expectation off of me.
But I said "Logistics" first
As my grades were
Just short of the writers job.
And he told me
There was a waiting
List longer than
His arm, two to three
Years if I recall
For the writers position.
So I can see why
He would have been
Trying to push me
To the Logistics jobs.
I did not say I
Wanted to make my
Father proud and when
He questioned how fit
I was becauase of
My "slight" build
I never told him
I was in the running
For the British Squad
Only a year earlier.
I cannot remember if
I said I would like
To make my grandad proud.
That he was a pilots mate.
If I really wanted
To go to the training camp
I would have brought
My A game. But my
Heart was not in it.
And when I told
My Grand parents I
Don't think I would like
To put my life in someone
Else's hands for seven year's,
Not be in control
Of my own destiny.
My grandfather blew
A gasket and said
Heavens above I cannot
Believe my ears,
You used to have your
Head screwed on
Whatever happened to you.
You blew your only
Other chance. Now
You expect "Love on the dole."
He quoted a famous book.
And was evidently
Angry and a bit ashamed
That I was 18 and
Had to go to the
"Dole office" to "sign on."
My parents got the
Forms for incapacity
Benefit before I was
Discharged from hospital.
And my mum gave
Them to my Grandad.
She could have
Done them or I could
Have done them with
A cpn but this was
Her second slap
To my face. My
Grandfather was the nucleus
To our family and
My mum wanted
Him to see how
Serious this was.
That I was legitimately
"Ill" as these
Forms would confirm.
Mental health is counted
As a reason to avoid
Participating in the working world.
But I quickly switched
To job seekers because
Even though I needed
More time to rest,
It gave me hope.
My family were ashamed
Of me and David
Was brainwashed with
Draconian views of
People who had been
Through mental health problems.
Depression is for the
Weak and feeble.
And I was "a pahetic
Excuse for a human being."
His exact statement.
I was only there a month.
I think the doctor
Must have had a heavy
Work load or I may
Have been placed on
The six month stay.
My Mum lapped up
Everything David said.
I see her at home
If he corrects her
She turns into an
Obediant child and agrees.
She took his side.
He was the bread winner
After all, and my mum
Never worked more than
Part time hours since
I had been born.
David was and still is
Head of the household.
I think if my grandparents
Were not around
Then they would
Have said pack
Your bags, we won't
Have a free loader.
You can't expect
Us to look after you
All your life.
So David said he
Wished I had got
Ill sooner then I
Could have been placed
Into the care system.
Well, at least I
Would have got
My own flat when
They saw I was capable.
And my parents
Could have sent
Me to the council
Office with a suitcase
And I would say:
I am now homeless.
And the health care team
Would maybe have had
To place me on
A cto first and my
Soul would have
Been crushed. I am unwanted.
But I never even
Argued with my parents.
If they fetched me
From somewhere so
I did not drink,
I just listened
To the right music
I did all the housework
Everyday. I went
To the job centre
Even though it killed me
If I got a not so
Sympathetic job officer.
I saw Fred even though
Him telling me that
I would be best
Being his house wife
And keeping away
From stress as a career
Would be too risky
And stressful for me now.
My mum told people
I probably would never
Get better. I had
Something wrong with me
That must come from
My blood fathers side
Now and they were
Awaiting results. They
Came back inconclusive
And I thanked
My lucky stars.
It was like being
Told your in remission.
I was given information
Sheets that explained
What I had experienced
And been through.
And not what I had.
And I knew I
Would get better.
I am so glad that Sunny
Disposition got that
Job because I did not
Have anyone in my
Corner to rebuild
My confidence and esteem.
All this negativity,
Ignited this spark
In my brain and
My belly. Gave me
A fight I never
Thought I would
Have to engage in.
But if life gives you lemons
Then you make lemonade.