The sentence I bolded really resonates with me. I was thinking about why I reacted so strongly to T's comment Thursday about how he generally doesn't think about me after session was over (though he countered that a bit in his email). And how I felt like I'd really been trusting him more lately and dealing with some really intense real-life issues in session (like about H and D). And I think maybe that's what it is--the fact that I *have* been trusting him more lately.

I have an anxious/insecure attachment style. It can take a lot for me to trust someone and get close to them. And when I do start to trust and feel closer and safer, it can just take one little thing--a comment, an action--to make me be like "aaagh! Maybe I was wrong, maybe this isn't safe after all." I'm not sure this is the best comparison, but I think of my D having a fear of dogs. She sees a dog out someplace and is like, "Hm, this dog seems like it might be OK." She starts approaching it, thinking maybe she'll pet it, then the dog barks. Or even just turns and looks at her directly. She turns and runs. It was just a friendly bark, or a look. But it scares her, maybe the dog isn't safe/OK. So then she might begin the approach again, with that dog or a different one. Sometimes she does make it to the dog and pets the dog. But other times...she keeps getting scared off.

So with my T, I think he's trying to reassure me and make me feel secure--like his email from a few weeks ago where he added "Reminder: I'm not going anywhere. You're not too much for me, and I intend to bear with you" (echoing something I'd said in my email to him). Say, 6 months ago, I don't think he'd have included something like that. But I think he understands now that I need that sort of reassurance from time to time, especially after what ultimately happened with ex-MC.

He seems to get it now, how much I worry about the security my relationships with everyone, not just him. And he's trying to work with me on that. For me to be doing work in there, I need to feel safe and secure with him. I don't think he's used to working with clients like me. But he's doing his best to adapt. Has he screwed up a few times? Yeah. Has he hurt me? Yeah. But he's been taking responsibility for that and doesn't seem surprised anymore when something triggers me (unlike back with the stone thing, for instance). He's being patient, and we're working through those times, which I think is exactly what I need right now. Because real-life relationships are going to trigger me, too, and I need to know how to deal with that. (this is me saying that, not him, btw.) Not saying he should intentionally trigger me, of course, and I wish he could realize something he is about to say might trigger me *before* he says it, but I think he's getting closer, at least realizing right after he says it and noticing little shifts in my body language that maybe I'm not OK.