OK, so I was watching TV and my sis called. She asked if I was going to my nephews little get together/small b-day party (he is 9 today). I told her I hadn't heard about it. She said, "Oh, well it is today" I said that I still don't know anything about it. She said that it would be held at this place called PoJo's (like a Chuckie Cheese or something). Still no mention of a time. OK, so I said I wasn't going anywhere today cuz my car is acting up. She said ok and hung up.
I told my BF that I just feel totally left out. Like I REALLY don't matter to the "family"...(little history is I lived with dad til 12, then got shipped out to group homes. Never lived with Mom's side (all my sisters, nieces/nephews) until about 6 months ago when I moved to their area at the age of 33) OK, anyways...I have never felt part of any family at all, not even my own.
So my BF said, "maybe they just forgot or thought that someone else was going to tell you" I told him, "no that they just don't give a *%&$ about me. They don't like me and have never liked me, apparently. If I meant something to them then they would have invited me and I made up the excuse about the car because now I don't WANT to go even if they 'remember' now to invite me." He told me that he "just doesn't understand my logic, why can't people just make a mistake?" and I told him that he "will never understand the way my *&^#($ up mind works" and "stop trying to make excuses for them".
I was supposed to make breakfast, but I just told him I am not going to eat now. I am not hungry.
I am sitting in my room all alone wondering why I am so screwed up. Is my logic that out of whack? Could they have just made a mistake? Not in my mind....but I guess that's what's wrong...ME! Now I am trying not to SI. I feel like I deserve it for being so messed up.


BJ