Enough that I broke my number one rule and told my best friend. She immediately came over and sat with me, made me tell her what was going on and set up a safety plan. Great, right?

Except now she knows and her husband knows. And I’m struggling with how to deal with the continuing mixed episode, as well as the guilt and shame of dragging her out of bed to dump my **** on her. My question is how do I stop myself from completely withdrawing because I’m afraid and ashamed that they know?

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doesn't sound like she is ashamed of helping you ... she sounds like a real friend ... believe me real friends are hard to find ... instead of being afraid they know ... be glad ... it sounds like your in a bad place ... let others help you ... if the si returns maybe the er would be a good place ... it is not the time to withdraw ... it is the time to let others help you ... be safe my friend ... Tigger