Ledgewood,

Your experiences as a child were horrific and I am so sorry you have lived through them and continue to experience the aftermath of someone else's extreme inhumanity. But I don't think you are going insane. I think you are feeling the shock and horror of witnessing such evil, while at the same time experiencing such grief and powerlessness to help your innocent brother. That is a horrible place to be trapped, but try to separate yourself from the "insanity". It wasn't your insanity, it was your father's insane acts. What you feel today is probably not you losing control and going insane, but more feeling deep grief and compassion for your brother. For you, to be insane would be to lose touch with those genuine feelings of humanity.

You have survived and are surviving. The essential person you are has not been defeated. Continue to stay true to yourself and this will get better in time.

In my experience with horrific images, I had to draw them and mold them into clay, run my hands over them, tear them, smash them -- that helped take them out of my head and take the power out of them. You may want to try some of these types of things, preferrably with the help of a therapist or other people in a supportive setting. You don't have to be alone with this -- it's hard work and you deserver help and support.

be well,

mtd