Hi everyone,

thank You for all of Your responses and messages. I didn't come here for a long time, because I really found some of Your responses a little exaggerated and hurtful I couldn't find strength to confront them. Sorry If You are not thinking about it in the same way, but I really see him as a human being above all and I couldn't just cut the therapy that is helping me so much like that... Being in integrative therapy mostly CBT oriented, I wonder also if the counter-transference issue is so important to focus on...

precaryous, I'm really so sorry for Your terrifying experience. I've read it carefully and I imagine it must have been awful. I am happy to hear he paid for all of that.

However, my therapist isn't Your therapist and he had never initiated physical contact with me and he is not exploiting me financially either. And most of all, he did not sexually exploited me.

The only thing he is doing rarely, is sometimes sexualizing therapy interactions, as Xynesthesia called it. Not every time, not even so often, only once in a while.

Than, usually after he does that, he becomes very strict, correct, and even exigent to me. Once I joked that probably I should bring him some big cake to thank him for all of the changes in the schedule that he made to adapt to my working days (we change often from Friday to Wednesday, etc.). Surprisingly, his reaction was very strict and he told me "I could never accept a cake from You, it is a therapeutic boundary!" I was about to laugh hard in his face - I didn't even bring it yet and he was like talking about an evil cake, while he's crossing them so much more - is he a schizophrenic or what (with all due respect to schizophrenics)? There are so many contradictions in his behavior. Once he is joking like even we could have sex, making ambiguous jokes about it (but always in a way that leave space for imagination, not literally... like lately after a long session when we talked about my sex life, we were finishing standing close and I accidentally locked the door instead of opening it, he was all smiling and flirting about it and said "as for the interpretation of what have just happened here, let's just leave it to our own judgement to think about it on our way home today..." and then I saw him watching me from the window when I was going back home, the window that is usually covered with blinds... like, he didn't say "if you closed the door it means you wanted to stay here with me and make all the dirty things you talked about in session, but it was so sexual from his side, or maybe I am going crazy already and exaggerating... just to be clear: it was the first time I talked openly about things that are hurting me in my sex life, not that we are talking about it often), than the next session he is going crazy about hypothetical cake that I didn't bring to him and I would never do. He's also a christian therapist, lately he told me how he thinks that Someone made him do what he's doing to help people. I am a christian, too and I am happy that he thinks about his mission like that, but... All of this really seem to me so inconsistent, like he doesn't know what he wants literally and above all, he pretends that nothing has happened even when he says things that are really sexual. Does he even remember it all after it happens?... I can't understand what is the state of hi conscience, knowing he is a really intelligent and smart man, graduated in different stuff, certificated, etc... He has all this beautiful family, wife and three kids, I know who they are because it's a quite small, christian community here, even if I don't have any contact with them and I don't want to (we have mutual friends with his family on Facebook, he doesn't use it, though)... But sometimes I wonder, how would his wife feel if she knew about all of these comments, would it be ok for her?... Maybe it would, maybe she accept this part of him. I don't know.

Would like to add, that when I tried two or three times to lightly touch the subject in some way, I saw him really afraid about talking "us" - he was like closed, distant, not willing to speak about it. Once I was so tired of all of this changes of his behavior, his flirting and then becoming closed and distant, that I wrote him of anger a text message that I see that maybe if it's a difficult time for him and we should quit for a while. On a next session I wanted to explain why I did that, but he was like offended and told me "for me we can quit if you like" without even asking what is going on, like an offended kid. I was really hurt by this words and wrote to him after a really short e-mail (I never do that), that I know that we can quit and it wasn't necessary to say and that there are some things I don't feel comfortable enough to speak about in our therapy... And some other stuff how grateful I am for his support etc. He suddenly couldn't make his computer start working, he had so many things for different weeks, when I finally confronted him about my e-mail he started to laugh nervously that his Internet is not working and "he isn't good in these type of conversations". After I was really ready to dump all of that and than suddenly he wrote me an e-mail and a text message at the same time, that he wants to continue the therapy with me and it is not indifferent to him whether I will break it or not. So logical, isn't it...

From this time I have never tried to speak about the subject again.

Lately I thought about talking with him about it again, because it really irritates me but then I thought that it won't change anything that we concentrate about it in my therapy... Because for now the most important thing for me is that the therapy really helps me with some other, urgent staff that I am straggling with, my health issues, the way I am treated in home by my husband (we started couple therapy with my husband lately and he was diagnosed as a passive-aggressive person by a couple therapist...) and the role I took at work that is also generating a lot of stress at the moment in my life. I am not writing about all of this problems I'm straggling with here, but my T is a real professional with experience and I don't know what I would do without his support is all these fields mentioned above...

I would like to thank You all for Your messages and say that I really appreciate Your willingness to help and You responses, also Your private messages You've sent me. I know he's behavior isn't 100% correct and I promise I will keep an eye on it thanks to the examples You brought...

P.S. The only dangerous part of all that I see at the moment, is that I really like him as a man, too. I didn't like him before, but know it's different, I admit it. But I would never make a move on him and I think he would never make a move on me, so as long as nothing gets physical between us, as long as we don't call each other or meet often, I hope there is no danger to us or our families... Although I sometimes feel guilty, that maybe it's my behavior or dress or my eyes shining more in his presence, that are tempting him...