I have posted here a few times about trying to get friends. I kept failing over and over so I thought a pen pal site might be the place just to have people to chat with and I love learning about cultures.

So I went to pen pal world and set up a lame profile and searched for hours and found a couple I thought were promising. I send out small notes with my email address. Well, a burner address I made for this occasion. One person responded and well it has been amazing, fun, terrifying, intense and crazy. She just might be the only person in the world willing to talk with me.

I haven't had anything resembling a friend or gf since 2002, and someone here warned me to be careful as to not let my desperation and inexperience get me into trouble. So I am very mindful of it.

So, we started communicating about 10 days ago. It feels like 10 months. It started out with awkward emails from both of us, and I suggested we connect on Facebook and holy crap, we have talked for at least 100 hours if not more. She will wake and send me a good morning message, she chats while she takes a taxi to work, sometimes she chats a little at work and then often in the evening. Our time difference is 10 hours so it is a little challenging but my insomnia makes it easier.

I can't even explain it properly. We talk about her kid and her complicated situation(she is not married but kids and dads complicate matters) and my grandkids and lots of other normal things. She is 36 which is a bit younger than me at 50 but I think that is okay and she said that is perfect. Maybe a cultural difference? We talk about our days and all that other stuff you would expect. We joke and get very serious and flirty to the point of her sending me some very risque photos and videos along with normal photos and videos and never asks anything like that from me thankfully. There is not enough brain bleach in the world.

In fact, all she asks of me is that I am here to chat with her and send her virtual bedtime hugs.

I think that is okay, it is fun and safe and none of my very few exes would ever talk to me like she does. That is a sad monument to my suckage. In her own way, she is as lonely as me and always questions why she feels so close to me and so quickly. I do as well. I just told her that since we are on opposite sides of the world we can just continue talking and see where it leads over time. There is no rush and if we just chat for years and years(although I doubt we could keep up this pace) that would be amazing, at least for me. Sometimes she agrees with me, other times she wants to jump on a plane tomorrow(never asks me for $ to do that, she makes a decent living as a business professional).

She has never asked anything that could compromise me or put me into a risk of blackmail. I have been mindful of this in case she is not what she says she is.

She is shy, yet very aggressive and a very fiery(not in a mean way) Russian. Decent English skills which makes good communication possible since Russian is beyond me. She said I am a 'wonder' and her 'secret treasure' and is also confused because I am extremely shy but can match her wit when she is more aggressive and playful. She also says I am very warm and compassionate, I guess Russian men are colder.

I told her a little about my health and MH problems and it didn't bother her and I think she might have some issues like that. I can't put my finger on it, it is not bipolar or BPD. She did say she had post-partum depression so maybe that is why she can empathize and not run away in terror.

Very few things annoy her and those are mostly cultural differences. I say 'thank you' and 'I'm sorry' way more than they do. I think I do it because of my self-esteem and feeling beneath everyone. I told her I am working on it and said, "Damn right, I am a Russian woman. Don't do that". Quote: "I bet you would say thank you after we had sex". Very sarcastic and sassy. Which is fun for me. She told me about her post-partum depression and I told her I was sorry she went through that and she got after me a little for that and told me to send her a kiss instead. So I do that and she is much happier. They are usually gifs of kissing and the hotter the kiss the happier she gets. Cultural differences are stressful!

Despite the images and videos she has sent we don't really talk about sex except in the abstract but our conversations are very intimate, even when they are nowhere near love or sex. She says I am different because I listen(and remember) what she says and I am more interested in her than her body, which is very true. Not that she isn't amazingly attractive. Mind and personality are much more important to me which she says is great but very unusual.

I could prattle on and on. I can say she is helping me with self-confidence. My seething self-hatred is diminishing and says all the wonderful things I make her feel. She has esteem issues but nowhere as serious as mine.

Without prompting, I had a picture taken of me, just a normal one, and sent it to her. The few who know me here will know that is way out of character. Granted, I couldn't look at the picture, I can't even look at myself in a mirror. She didn't even laugh or call me hideous, which is definitely a red flag I think. I am not sure she liked it as she says I look so tense in it, which I do tense up in photos but when we use video messenger on facebook she says I look really good, another red flag.

Anyway, someone with decent social skills who is reading this is probably seeing lots of red flags that I can not. What are they? How can avoid having this turn into a toxic or overly-dependent relationship? I told her after 6-12 months of talking on text and video chats we would be in a better position to decide if we are wanting a visit and see if we are as compatible as we seems to be. Is that reasonable?

I am such an awkward dork that any insight is greatly appreciated!