I have been medicated for Bi-Polar I for almost 20 years, but after my eart surgery in /july, my cardiologist took me off my /clozaril because he found out that could have caused my heart damage. I decided to wait until I recovered from the surgery to get back on meds. I thought I'd be fine. REaslly. really dumb ides. So in the lst four months I've had the worst episode/cycle of my life. At first I was manic and in denial because it felt so good to have all that energy afterr being sick and exhausted for so long, but I was only sleeping maybe 2 hours a night so eventually the psychosis came. Then, of course, I sought help,but the clinic I go to is state funded and they have more clients than they cn handle so it took forever to get in to see a doctor. I finally saw her last thursday and was told that my medical team had to meet to try to figure out what treatment will be safe and effective, given my medical conditions, heart disease, type II diabetes and na Ulcer. So it will be some time this week before I know what, if anything, thtey can do to help me. I'm terrified. My mind says, "what if they can't find something to help me?" The truth is I don't think I will survive if they can't do something to control it, and I honestly fear the idea of an institution. I know, I'm getting way ahead of myself, but I think fear and projection go hand in had. Anyway, so for now I'm on a very low dose of clonopin 3 times a day and it did calm me down enough to stop the really craziness. I don't want to take more because I am a recovering addict 918 years clean ) and benzos were one off my drugs of choice. It's just too familiar, Anyway, I've gone on long enough. Thank your response. This web-site has really helped me stay grounded, even if I do feel like I'm losing my mind. When this is all worked out, maybe I can stay and help others. Nothing would make me happier, - Mary / PaintedTurtle