The things I consider red flags are:

1. Making unfair comparisons or saying that they, or someone they know, has been through something similar to you and either implied, or said that they dealt with the situation better than you.

When I told my last T that I'd been bullied at school and struggled to assert myself and fight back she told me that she had been bullied too, and always fought back which would sometimes get her in trouble.

I know that this is ambiguous and it could be argued that she was simply trying to connect with me by finding some common ground, but there are several other similar instances (which I won't disclose because I'm on a public forum) where she would imply that her problem (or someone elses) was either worse than mine or that their reactions were superior to mine. In CBT, therapists like their client to challenge negative thought patterns and try to find other ways to react to situations, but all my T did was simply tell me that I always respond in the wrong way without offering any guidance or alternatives.

Me = wrong, other people = correct.

2. Shaming and switching the conversation around to themselves when you're trying to open up to them about a serious issue you've been facing.

When I saw my last T, I had gained a lot of weight (around 50lbs) because I'm a comfort eater, and consuming too much of the 'wrong' foods gave me a temporary emotional boost. I explained how ashamed, ugly and out of control I felt and that I couldn't find a way to stop. Without displaying a shred of empathy, she smiled, and for at least ten minutes proceeded to tell me that she'd always been slim and that she gets up at 5:30 am every day to go to the gym. I was told that she always eats healthily and knows how to control her portion sizes, and she even stood up to show me how slim she was! That T was seventeen years older than me too, which somehow made me feel worse.

This is similar to the first red flag in that she was subtly shaming me for being different to her. Obviously, taking care of your body and eating right are essential for personal health and wellbeing, but that's easy to say and put into practice when you're mentally well enough. You stop caring about yourself when you're suffering from depression, and don't always think about the consequences of your actions. If I wanted to eat pizza and family sized cakes, I would, because for 20 minutes or so I was happy and not thinking about my problems.

Instead of addressing the reasons why I was comfort eating and what I realistically could do to overcome it, my therapist (again) took the opportunity to talk about herself and tell me how great she was. Shocking - considering that I knew she also worked with people who have eating disorders!

3. Infantilising you and being condescending.

There were times when my T would mention my age (mid 30s) a lot, whenever I told her about my struggles with interacting with people, and implied that I should grow up. Yet at the same time, she'd treat me like a child and consistently underestimate my abilities. I'd be pressured to set life goals, but they were never the right ones. I had to have dreams and ambitions but as long as I didn't get above my station.

I don't think that therapist was a horrible person, and I can't say for sure how she would've reacted had I confronted her instead of keeping quiet and letting things fester, but I definitely think that she had her own personality issues that needed to be addressed. The times when she listened and appeared to empathise were cancelled out by her self-absorbed, smug and often judgemental attitude.