I don’t want to die, because I’ve seen how beautiful life can be. I’ve felt blissfully happy. And yet every time I’m happy it’s just temporary and soon replaced by overwhelming depression. I don’t know what I can do anymore to escape it. I’ve been feeling this way ever since I was raped at 16.

I need to do something to change my life because like I said I can not live like this anymore. I always change my appearance, dye my hair, things like that to feel a temporary rush like I’m a different person, but at the end of the day I can’t escape the depression.

I am 18 years old in college, I live at home. My life is for the most part mundane. I hook up with a lot of guys to feel less alone but it never helps. Every time I’m in a relationship and happy it ends because I am unloveable. I have ADHD and an eating disorder. I’m in therapy and on antidepressants and I still feel this way. I don’t know what to do anymore. I was thinking of leaving my city with my best friend and moving across the country, but I fear this depression will just follow me to wherever I go. I learned a while ago that nobody cares so I’m sorry for venting I just don’t know what to do anymore.