In processing what went wrong with my internship clients (who all fired me the same week), my supervisor said that I am supposed to leave my clients feeling better at the end of a session. That sounds nice, but it left me wondering because therapy almost never makes me feel better. Usually I have a bad headache by the time I get out to my car, which just gets worse through the rest of the day. I usually feel a little less depressed while I'm there, but anxiety goes through the roof, and I dissociate to the extent that I'm not really safe driving home. I pretty much always leave feeling frustrated. But still, I can't wait for time to go back again, and it's so hard to wait two weeks for the next visit. Just writing this gave me a headache.

I've been reading and found something that sheds some light on why my experience is this way. I think it may have to do with my personality disorders. According to the book I'm reading, experiencing depression is necessary in the process of activating the real self. It doesn't feel good though, and I wonder if I even have a real self in here somewhere. But I guess that's the part that hurts. The part that has felt dead for so many years. I hope this works.

As for my clients, I hope that not many of them have to go through the same that I am right now. I don't know if I would be able to put them through it. I like the idea of making them feel better, and hope that I can do that. I hope that I will know how to help them feel better. And I want to feel better too. I hope that comes sooner rather than later. T says that what is happening to me now is actually everything starting to come together, even thoguh to me it feels liek everything is falling apart. I'm supposed to stop being helpless and start coping. Sounds good in theory, but it's hard.

Rap