First session of the week today.

T asked how I was doing. I said it's going okay. On the weekend I felt really empty. Now I'm doing better.

I mentioned how I feel less scared than usual. There's things that'd usually trigger me and now they don't. T said it might be due to medication, but it's sometimes hard to tell, we'd have to give it some time. I said there's still things i worry about, like things connected to me moving in with my partner and having to deal with changing adresses. That worries me because of health insurance. The way it works for me, I have to be referred to my T once a year. And since I'm moving, I'll have to see a new doctor who might not do that. T said how he thinks that won't happen and how it probably even be harmful if that happened currently. It also led to a discussion of our health care system, which was funny because T knew about as much about it as everyone else, meaning he's not quite sure how anything works and sounds like 'my wife usually deals with this'.

Then I mentioned feeling a bit sad. T asked me whether I knew what mindfulness is, which I do. We discussed it a bit. After he asked me what I'd like to focus on? Something about my body (meaning breathing or how something feels), a certain topic, something else? I said I'd like to talk. But I wasn't sure whether it could only be about things that are currently happening since he talked about how mindfulness had to do with staying in the moment. He said no, we can still discuss other things.

I told him I'm thinking about getting my parents a book for Christmas about BPD. They know I'm in therapy but don't know my diagnosis. T asked why I wanted to tell them, which I wasn't sure why, I just feel like it. He wondered about what they might think why I'm seeing him. He said they probably noticed something when I was in high school. I didn't really agree, I lied to them all the time about how I as doing. T said how the teachers probably said something to them during those teacher parent discussions they have once a semester here. I disagreed. I started talking more about that time. First, I felt the need to set the scene again so I mentioned again how I wasn't allowed to talk to one of the girls after I told her I had a crush on her. Thankfully, T remembered. After about half a year, I had a meeting with one of my teachers and her. Because my behavior was causing problems. T asked what that meant. I was aggressive, for example when we did those fetch games for physical ed, I'd only chase her. I think she was scared of me. One time for our drawing class we were allowed to draw whatever we wanted to. So I drew skeletons in a graveyard, wearing clothing associated with Punk (they music genre). Because at home I played a video game that contained skeletons and I liked that kind of music, and skeletons live on graveyards. A couple days later my French teacher called me outside to discuss the drawing. I explained what it was, but she said she didn't believe me and said I wasn't allowed to draw such things anymore. So I think there was some kind of fear of me attacking her going around. Although I never did anything.
I got back to that meeting. I said how my teacher told my parents about it, saying I had cried. T asked whether I remembered why I cried. I said it was because I was never allowed to talk to that girl after saying I liked her. She was allowed to set rules like 'don't talk to me', but then I was not allowed to set any rules for myself. She was allowed to do whatever she wanted but I had to respect what she said. She had her parents telling everyone everything, how to act and what to do. And since I didn't want to tell my parents I liked girls, I didn't have anyone. T said how that undermined my autonomity. We talked about this some more. Including the fact that at some points I wanted her to suffer just like I did because she hurt me. T said that's normal.

Then we discussed how I might want to make my parents suffer to. I disagreed again. T said it seems I hate my mom. My dad is usually fine in stories it seems, but I'm always annoyed or mad at my mom. I answered that I think it's normal to be annoyed with your parents sometimes. But I don't hate them. That's also why I'm not sure about giving them a book, since it might seem like I am blaming them. Which I am not. I don't want them to feel bad, I just want them to understand. T mentioned how it might be good to just talk to them for five minutes at some point instead of having them read about it by themselves, but that's kind of hard when your family never discusses emotions.

After some more talking, we had to say good bye. T confirmed our time for Friday and I left.