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I ended up with a bonus T session yesterday, but first a post giving an explanation of how that came about. At the end of Monday's session (which I never got around to writing up), I'd said to T how he will say things like "I care about your success" or "I care about your well-being" rather than "I care about you," and it feels like there's a difference to me. I think I expected him to just say something like, "Of course I care about you." Instead, he said he didn't want to respond to my comment right then because it was the end of session. T: "I don't want to give you a half-baked answer. You don't want to eat raw cookie dough." Me: "Yeah, I don't want to get therapy salmonella." T said he liked that one.
So I thought I was OK waiting to hear his explanation. But then I thought about it more and more. I had been out running errands and on my way home, I got really emotional. I actually pulled off into a parking lot and left him a rambling, weepy voicemail about how I want him to say "I care about you." He emailed a reply a couple hours later and also texted to let me know he'd sent the email and that if I wanted a time slot the next day, to text him (since he wouldn't check email till the next morning).
Here's what he said in the email:
"Hi LT,
I'm so sorry to hear how deeply you've been affected by my unwillingness to specifically state "I care about you." I certainly don't want you to feel such distress! I decided to email you a reply, and if you want to discuss this further in-person I could schedule an appointment tomorrow but that's up to you.
I'm not sure why my caring about your well-being and commitment to your success and growth seems to lack sufficient weight, or why it is so important that you hear me specifically say that I care about YOU (emphasis was what I heard in your message). There is an important distinction there, and I am trying to figure that out. This has the feel of a boundary issue and rather than being impulsive I want to think about the significance so that I can talk about it in a way that is best for both of us. I want to respect your needs, but more important than that I want to support your mental health and emotional growth. I also want to respect what I am comfortable with saying, and understand the implications of what I say before I say it around such a sensitive topic. Your reaction to this makes it clear to me that there is a great deal of emotional weight around this issue. That only makes me more certain that this is very important and needs to be taken seriously. I realize that I am not answering your question and that's because I have no answer - I have not been able to give it the attention it deserves.
Let me know if you'd like to talk tomorrow, or just wait until Thursday. I'd be able to see you at 2:30pm Tuesday. You asked about a phone call - and my policy is to not take phone calls for clinical issues unless they are scheduled in advance during regular hours. I charge my normal rate for that time. I do take emergency phone calls, although these are brief evaluations to see if someone needs to consider hospitalization or other emergency service. For non-emergencies I schedule the client ASAP, and for crisis requiring intervention I recommend either a crisis hotline or the ER. I sincerely hope that you're not in need of such an intervention, but if so I would try to help that process."
I texted to say I did want the slot the next day, but would that give him enough time to think about it? He said he thought he'd be OK to talk about it. He closed that exchange with "I hope you can rest well tonight," which I appreciated. OK, actual session in separate post.
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