Crosspost from other thread:
Bonus T session yesterday. Went back and sat down. T (in jeans and a striped dress shirt): "I have my coffee and you have your Perrier, so we're all set." Me: "Yes." T: "I think this is going to be a very important conversation." Me: "What we're talking about today, from the voicemail?" T: "Yes." I started talking and he was like, "You have a piece of glitter on your cheek." I frantically brushed at my cheek. Me: "I think it's from my D's Halloween costume, we have glitter everywhere. Is it gone?" T: "Yes, I think so. It was just very incongruent with what you were talking about."

I grabbed the box of tissues and sat it next to me on the couch. I then did something I don't normally do in there. I reached over on his couch and grabbed a throw pillow that had a bunch of fringe on the edges. I sat with it in my lap most of the session, stroking the fringe to kind of soothe myself. I think it also felt like a protective barrier.

I said I'd contemplated coming in and just terminating, that if he didn't care about me as a person, then what was the point? What was I doing there? But I figured I should come in and talk in out instead of just ending it. That I didn't know if it was just me running away from something difficult or if it was a case where he isn't the right T for me. And I didn't know why I was so upset about the caring stuff, but it's clearly really triggering me.

He asked about why it felt so different for him to say "I care about your success" or "well-being" vs. "I care about you." Me: "I think...'I care about you' suggests that you care about me as a human being. And I spend 2 hours a week in here with you, sharing intense things, so I'd like to think you care on that level." T: "OK. I'll explain my thoughts in a minute. What I was thinking of saying at the end of yesterday's session but decided not to was 'I care about you as a client.' But I don't think you would have liked that." Me: "No, that would have bothered me. Because it would have felt like, as long as I'm paying you, then you care. That it's based on the money, not me." T: "But I don't feel that way. I know you as a client, so that's how I care about you."

Me: "I guess I just think of something ex-MC said that stuck with me. Where I said I was basically paying him to care. And he said, 'You can pay me to do my job, but you can't pay me to care.' As in, he was choosing to care. And that felt good." I forget what T said to that.

T: "So for me, the difference in saying 'I care about you' is that it seems to push things beyond the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship. Like more in the sense of a friendship or romantic relationship." Me: "Really? Because I feel like I care about a lot of people as people, including, say, my neighbors who I barely know. But maybe that's just me?"

T: "You've talked about how things ended up going badly with ex-MC. And at times with ex-T. So I'm trying to avoid things going in that direction. I'm trying to look out for your well-being. And not saying 'I care about you' is one way I'm doing that." Me: "Oh... So I wasn't sure if at the end of last session, you needed time to think about whether you do in fact care about me or if you needed time to decide what to tell me. So, I'm guessing it's the second one?" T: "Yes, I was trying to figure out the best way to handle it to serve your well-being." Me: "Oh...OK. I think I was afraid you had to think about whether you cared or not." T: "No." T elaborated more on how I'd said that both with ex-MC and ex-T, things had crossed over a line at times (like ex-T admitting she'd gotten too close to me), which affected the therapy. And he's trying very hard not to do that here, that he's trying to be very careful in how he's handling things with me so that it doesn't go down the same path. I didn't say this at the time, but after the session, I thought how in a way, he's not saying he cares about me not because he doesn't care but because he *does* care about me...

He asked if I wanted to think I was special, different from his other clients, and that's what part of the caring thing was about. Me: "No, I want you to care about all your clients as people, not just clients. I don't expect you to care about me any more than them."

Somewhere in there we talked about therapy being one-directional in terms of caring. Me: "I know this sort of got me in trouble with ex-MC, but I also cared about him. And I care about you." T: "How can you care about me? You don't even know me!" Me: "But I spend 2 hours a week with you. I can still care about you without knowing all about you." T: "I mean, I understand you don't want me to get hit by a bus, but I don't think you can really care about me." Me: "But I do. Maybe I'm just weird like that...I care about a lot of people."

At one point, we were talking about some of the harsher truths he's said and how that can be difficult for me. T: "Do you think that therapists shouldn't tell their clients things like that? The more negative things that could hurt them, even if they're the truth?" Me: "I mean, I guess it wouldn't be helpful, but..." T: "Really think about it. I'm curious about your answer." Me: "Maybe part of me wants that, but I feel in the long run I need to hear some of these harsh things. Like if I really do think differently from most people, then I guess I need to know that." T: "I would agree." Me: "I figured."

Talking more about the "I care about you" and why it was important to me. I said something like, "You've known me over a year and spend 2 hours a week with me. I've confided many things in you. I'd certainly like to think you care about me as a human, not just as your client. Like if I left, would it just be like, 'well guess I have two other slots to fill now?'" T: "If, say, you were to die tomorrow, I'd be very affected. I wouldn't just think 'Now I have to fill some time slots.'" Me: "OK, thank you, that's good to hear."

We ended up going over by a few minutes, but he didn't seem to be looking at the clock at all. He seemed very engaged and thoughtful the whole session, doing things like closing his eyes while he thought about something and at one point covering his face with his hands. It seemed like he was really trying to understand me and also say what he felt was the right thing for me. I was crying quite a bit throughout and sometimes hiding my face, but still making a fair amount of eye contact.

As I was going over to pay, he said, "I am going to have to charge you for the email." Me: "You mean the one from the voicemail?" T: "Yes, it did take a bit of time." Me: "Uh, OK." T: "But if you can't pay it all right now, like that and the extra session, I can bill you for it later." Me: "No, it's fine." I guess I wish he'd told me before that there was a charge for that voicemail/email (even though I'd suspected), since it felt a bit like a slap in the face at the end of the session. He said I could let him know if I wanted to cancel Thursday, just give him 24 hours, preferably sooner. I said I would. Shook hands as he said "Have a good few days." Me: "Thanks, you too."