I brought the Russian dolls to show him. I haven't finished but I have done 4 layers (3 left to do) so I talked him through what I had done so far. The most affecting part to do so far was the older man part. I said that this part was a source of a lot of my confidence and self-belief but also the source of a lot of feelings and behaviours that I have trouble accepting about myself. I know it's because this part is an introjection of a lot of male figures, both loving ones and abusive ones, so it's a confusing and difficult part of my internal makeup. Talked a lot about the feelings that come from that part and also about gender, my feelings about my own gender. It was a good discussion.

We also talked about another part whose role seems to be to contain the other parts. I depicted this part as faceless on the dolls. T asked me if I had any idea who this part was. I said no. T asked me if I can think of any person or character that is like this part.
I said that the only thing that comes to mind is comical scenarios. I described a scene in Frasier where Frasier is pretending to be Jewish to please his girlfriend's mother. He is pretending he isn't cooking ham, concealing the Christmas tree delivery and hiding Niles, who is dressed as Jesus. T said he knows what I am describing - the desperation not to be seen as you really are. That was and accurate description of both Frasier in that episode and also of this part of me.

I told T that someone (also a T) had said to me "parts of you are in love with him, probably" and that I think it is true, parts of me are in love with him. T said that had occurred to him a couple of weeks ago but he thought he had better not say it. I said "Well J said it". T said "I'm glad he did". T asked me what being in love meant to me. I said it feels more passionate than just loving someone. T said it made him think of wanting to merge with someone. I said it reminded me of the Winnicott quote "there's no such thing as baby, only mother and baby" or whatever it is. Like it's a young desire to merge with a caregiver.

I told T I had had and told him details of that.
He was quiet and I asked what he was thinking. He said he was wondering what it was like for me to tell him all that. I said it felt a bit awkward but basically fine. But all the humiliation type feelings aren't present, they are kept away by the containing part (number 3 in the dolls). I said it's weird because I always endeavour to be open with him. T said sometimes number 3 is stronger than my openness. I said yes and sometimes I don't even know. Number 3 keeps it from me. T said it's part of its strategy.

T said he was also relating what I was saying to parts 2 and 4 (2= anxious part, 4=older man) and there seemed to be some interplay between them in the anxiety/control battle between me. I agreed with that.

It was coming to the end of the session. T said he hoped it was okay if he brought a practical question up now. I said yes. He said that he wondered whether we should talk about our plans for holidays next year, because "while we aren't organising our lives round you...." he said he wanted to make sure we didn't get a repeat of last year where our holidays were consecutive. He wanted to make sure we tried to coordinate them. He said if he had known when my holidays were he would have booked his differently. We agreed to tell each other when we book holidays so that we can coordinate them. I thanked him. I was a little taken aback, honestly.

We stood up and hugged. He commented on my shoes which are sparkly and we joked about that. We said goodbye and I left.