Pdoc put me back on the Wellbutrin today. It messes with me a little (makes me randomly forget common words, spellings, phrases, being able to say what I mean in a manner that makes sense), but I will take it over the mind-numbing depression. The bipolar is mixed, so it is tricky.

I ran today, a lot. Ran in the early morning, ran again after dropping my daughter off at school.

Pdoc did not weigh me and is hopefully through with that as these past 10 years I've sort of drifted with the ED. I never want to gain weight, but I don't lose or gain much within a window of 7, 8 lb. maybe. New pdoc told me he spoke to my old pdoc (she's retiring, just working part-time, but they are in the same small clinic), and hopefully, she reassured him enough that while my weight is too low, it generally does not get scary low. There was only one occasion she was very worried & consulted a lot with my PCP, and that was right after an incident in a massage parlor. I think I just skipped IP on that one, but a month, month & a half, I was in a more stable place weightwise (though definitely not headwise).

The running is OCD and ED in one for me, I think. And it's my go-to coping mechanism. I also like being skinny, knowing I've run so much, I won't eat enough to cover all those calories burned.

I'm fine with my current weight, don't want to go lower and don't want to go higher. Just maintain.

And yet I keep running nearly every day. If it were a normal distance, that would be one thing, but I think the distance I run now, I could run a half marathon and do it easy. Actually, I could probably run a half marathon 5 or 6 days a week easily. So, yeah, definitely overexercising.

I've had compulsive exercise off and on since college. I think exercise is good but that compulsive exercise is not healthy. It takes away family time, it nearly dehydrated me to the point of passing out last Saturday, at some point, there is a place where it is just too much.

And yet, exercise is good for bipolar, good for fibromyalgia (though for that they tend to recommend walking). Some sunlight is good for you (but not too much for me; I burn easily).

I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 19, and I'm 40 now, will be 41 in January. I've now lived over half my life with this stupid ED.