Quick background:

We got flooded. Had to be without proper medication for almost a week. To be honest we were slipping before then but that didn't help. My husband is Depressed. I'm IDFK, mixed?, psychotic? just plain weird. We both have no T but we see the pdoc December 4th. We still don’t have a car. If I can get my husband through until then.

My husband said today that he won’t make it 5 yrs. So Sui is a possibility. He has a bunch of other issues heart and pulmonology, and weight issues. Up until recently he was not taking his meds, none of them. He just doesn’t care anymore. I have encouraged him to reach out to pdoc or take the higher dose of lamictal she talked about. He missed a whole week of his 8 wk courses last week and hasn’t started this weeks work yet. I’m not going to say anything because I know how hard it is to survive and care when severely depressed. He’s up and trying and that’s enough for me. I don’t know how much further he can drop. I’m keeping a close eye on him. I’m not going to force him into IP unless he harms himself. He’s never done that to me (even after harming myself). So it’s time for me to be that supporting.

Now me: My head is loud. I can’t hear clear voices it’s more like a headache of noise. I’m using headphones to drown it out but it’s not helping. I’m thought jumping, confused, I’m trying to focus enough to write this (thank god for spell check), I’m having self mutilation thoughts and other weird thoughts. Which of course they sound like ingenious ideas. I haven’t acted on any of it. I won’t act because then I have to explain my stupidity. It’s going to get worse before it gets better. I think I need a higher AP. I’m taking the ambien at night just because I don’t want to go manic/mix. If this is the start of one. At the same time I’m completely unmotivated, haven’t showered in days, tons of anxiety (honestly it’s woken me from my sleep), and questioning life too.

Where on the bipolar map do I fit? Any coping skills I can use? This feels like to much.