Sweetheart, This story is going to sound really hopeless in the beginning, but I promise that if you read it all the way through, you'll get something positive from it, so don't let it scare you. Okay?? I spent a good 15 years lying every time I opened my mouth. I didn't want anyone "with authority" to know what was going on inside my head. What would my family and employers think if I had to go to a hospital?? So I started using drugs and participating in other self-destructive behaviors to try to numb the pain and cope. My Bi-Polar progressed. I found myself in hospital after hospital because I did stupid things that hurt me badly. Needless to say, people found out, I tried "geographical cures" - running away, without telling my family or anyone lse where I was going. I like to joke tht I'm certifiable in 3 states. I was institutionalized in all of them. Still, I wasn't completely honest about what was going on in my head. In July 2000, I woke up in intensive care, restrained to the bed, on a ventilator - I had attempted suicide and I was really pissed off that the friend that found me didn't let me die. That was my bottom. It's been over 18 years now, and even though I have gone through hell in the last several months, heart surgery, tow amputation, perepheral artery disease... I almost died, and for the first time in my life, I was glad that god gave me a second chance. I could look in the mirror, love what i saw and say, without doubt that I WANT to live today. That's a miracle. I've been clean from drugs in alcohol for 18+ years. I have been abstinent from compulsive over-eating for going on 15 months. I am taking care of my self, taking the time to look and smell nice - to feel attractive, for me. All that happened because I started to be honest with the people who could help me. Hon, I promise, there is no shame in being mentally ill. You did not choose this. It chose you. And in my belief system, there is a reason, somewhere out there for why it chose us. Some day, you will be able to help someone else and it will be the most full-filling thing you've ever experienced. Now, you may have read some of my previous posts. I am going through a really heard itme emotionally, right now. I've been off my meds since I had my heart surgery at the beginning of July and I have been through a complete cycle sincethen - the worst of my life. I've calmed down a little because they put me on a mild sedative until they can figure out what i can take safely, given my medical conditions and the numerous meds i am on for them. It's gonna be a process and it might take some time. I'm tired. I'm cranky. I I don't sleep more than 2 to 4 hours a night and I cry for atleast half the day everyday. (I also started menopause the same month I had the surgery, so I hit the mood swing jackpot. But you know what?? As painful and hard and frustrating as it is, I'm okay. I'm surrounded by people who love me and medical professional who went to school for this. I am not gonna lie. I had the thought the other day that everyone, including myself would have been better off if I had died, and that scared me. That's my illness talking and I can tell it to shut up whenever I wqnt to. Honesty is the key to recovery. We are only as sick as our secrets. They grown in the dark and die in the light of day. I encourage you to speak out, be honest and ask for help. Even if you did have to go to a hospital. in the end you'd never regret it. Sorry this got so wordy. Contact me any time you want or need to. Take care of you!! - Mary / PaintedTurtle