I had second therapy appointment of the week, we meet Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It's a good thing I like him. Haha.

I got there ten minutes early and posted on Psych Central obviously.

He came out to get me and commented on my shoes, he always does when I wear heels. He doesn't understand why women want to torture their feet. I always laugh and say they are actually comfortable otherwise I wouldn't wear them to work. He always laughs and says he'll stick with sneakers. it's kind of a running joke.

I take a seat on his super comfortable couch, either that or the chair I'm using for training is a piece of garbage which it is. We discuss my new job; which is going great I like that the Practice Manager has taken me under her wing and is letting me be Junior Practice Manager why I do referrals. This led to a discussion about the old job which caused me to develop PTSD. I can't hear the name of the hospital, I can't hear their names, I can't watch the Big Bang Theory because of a name of character being shared with a former coworker. I wanted to type something much ruder than coworker, but I don't think PC would like my language. I'm kind of scared that my PTSD will make this new job harder. I'm doing and feeling fine and maybe even stable.

We talked about what caused the PTSD and how I wasn't able to take a job as a drug sales representative because they were in the service area I would be assigned. Ironically I still see one of the providers associated with this place he just practices at another location and he's the only doctor I've ever been able to trust. Sometimes I question why, but I still trust him; he's the only one I've seen that treats me as a person instead of illness. I also see him tomorrow and have to take off work early to see him since his hours don't coincide with my work schedule. I also have a huge paper due for my Bachelor's degree so I can use that time to make sure it's perfect before submitting.

We also talked about trying to make friends with the new colleagues since I'm mostly dealing with Doctors, Nurse Practitioner's, Physician Assistant's, and of course their nurses. One of the Physician Assistant's wanted to do lunch with me; which was fine up until I went to grab my wallet from my purse and a letter from the Cardiologist office fell out, and unfortunately for me the place I am going has Cardiology in the name so I couldn't play it off as something else. He got worried and wanted to take my pulse once we got back to the office. I politely told him I had a doctor and he shouldn't worry. He insisted he worry since I'm the only one that hasn't been scared to approach them about either a Referral problem or a Practice problem. With as much as I've seen doctors this year I'm no longer scared. My pulse was 150 resting, he of course was worried. I told him it's lower than normal, when in reality it usually runs around 130. He wanted to order a Holter Monitor, and I told him that I wouldn't be receiving medical care where I work, made that mistake the last time and I payed the cost of being terminated since they knew everything about me. I felt bad, but why I like him; I have my own doctor and if he wanted to he would have ordered one himself instead of sending me directly to a Cardiologist. We talked about how I need to address the referral nightmare with my doctor, because someone made a mistake and I want to know who it was, because they scheduled me with a Cardiologist affiliated with my demonic former workplace. I can't because of anxiety and PTSD. If I see them I will probably say something I'd regret.

We talked about how I'm afraid this Cardiologist is going to write my case as being psychiatric in nature since I do have a Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and he could just call it anxiety when it reality it's probably something since I've had four EKG's since April of this year. I'm terrified of him just seeing me as a Mental Illness and not a heart issue. I hope he doesn't, but it's still something I think about. I'm also super young to be having heart problems, so that might be another strike. I know realistically it's my anxiety making me think worse case scenario.

We talked about maybe discussing my PTSD diagnosis with my doc, since even though he's just a primary doc he's my pdoc as well since I've seen both in my area and walked out of both their offices because they refused to diagnosis me and just put me on the newest medication a drug rep bribed them with lunch, and I had a terrible reaction too. So he deals with my psych issues too. He's never said a cross word about it, besides my therapist is also in Medical School to become a Pdoc, so if I have a drug question I'll asked therapist and then talk to my doctor about it. I don't want to tell my doc since he is still employed there and I don't want to cloud his judgement, same reason I want to show him my paper, since this place is growing so rapidly that it's going to fail and I want him to at least know. I don't know if I tell him about the PTSD, surely he has seen the signs and just doesn't know how to address it, at the same time I don't want him to drop me as a patient since it could be seen as me trying to be vindictive since I was rudely terminated, when in reality I want to help him. Therapist thinks I should tell him about the diagnosis, but in reality I'm on the right medication and seeing a therapist.

At that point of going back of forth of do I tell or not tell my time was up, we hugged and I told him I'd tell him how the appointment went when I saw him Friday.

First time I've ever posted about therapy discussions and that actually felt really satisfying to type.