You know sometimes I get in this mood, not really sure I want to call it a mood phase I guess? I'm gonna call it a phase for now because that's the best word I can come up with right now. Anyway I get into these phases that last for months at a time
Just Where for no particular reason I hate me and my life, and life in general. Not in a suicidal way necessarily a I REALLY wish I was someone else, with someone elses life. No one in particular, and no life in particular. It could be someone who has the absolute worst life ever and I still feel like I'd be satisfied. It's a bit of an uncomfortable feeling, because I detest myself so much that the only solution is to pretend I'm someone else (this has got nothing to do with the DID just saying) via daydreaming.
Yet somehow while my mind wanders into these dark worlds it is happy for a brief moment, until I remember that they're just daydreams. I'm still me, in my life, my world. And that's just the worst possible thing ever. They have complex stories that are usually very long and can and have lasted for months. Well sometimes they're shorter ones that I can go back to over and over. Sometimes if it's within reason I act them out, sometimes I just pace, sometimes I write them out. The one that lasted through the semester was actually a pretty neat story which got written into a series of poems and songs which I am beating myself up over losing but I digress. I'm not even sure what it is I find dissatisfying with life and therefore have no idea how to improve on. I mean if the idea of a fight to the death using powers you had to gain by dying sounds more appealing than your life you've got a very strange problem. I mean I've always daydreamed when I had the time, and even sometimes when I was supposed to be doing something else, but I managed to still get those things done. But usually when I enter into these phases...well I have the hardest time pushing myself to get important things done, or I'm so distracted while doing them that I completely block out all of my surroundings. It is a bit of a problem. And did I mention it's very unpleasant. If I have to devote attention to anything that isn't a daydream it's almost torture, I just dread every second until I can get back to my dream world. I just never really know what to do. I currently live vicariously through my roleplaying.