The first anniversary of my Dad's death is coming up soon, and I am struck with the fact that I have not fully come to terms with his death. The avoider in me has just compartmentalized part of that process. This isn't to say that I have fully avoided facing it or have fully suppressed my emotions regarding it. I just mean that I have not "embraced" (for lack of a better word) my own process for it. Y'know how it is common to say that everyone has their own way of grieving? Well, I haven't quite figured out mine.


So, as it comes close, I find myself feeling a bit uncomfortable listening to people discuss some aspects of his life and wondering what that means, with regard to my process (or search for my process). The physical act of talking about his life or death does not seem to feel like it is/will be part of my process, since it just triggers my anxiety. Not grief or sadness, just anxiety. The kind of anxiety that makes me want to run away to the mountains, alone. Hmmm. Just thinking about doing that makes me wonder if that might be a part of my process. Maybe I just need to get away, by myself and think, walk, hike, remember, appreciate . . . without having to interact with another living human being. I think that it is the human interaction that gets in the way for me because it involves the thoughts, feelings or grieving process of another/others on top of my own.


I am not looking for any kind of advice from anyone in writing any of this. I am just trying to get some thoughts out because I was overhearing a couple people talking about it and my anxiety just skyrocketed and I started to feel a little depressed that I was somehow not grieving "correctly" or haven't quite done it fully; and I wanted to nip the depression before it escalated.


But if you do respond, that is okay too. I just appreciate a forum like this as an opportunity to share in my own introverted way without expectations of outcome.


Hugs to all!


(And I love you, Dad.)