In essence, I could
Have returned to my family
After the three months.
I could have ignored
The advice from
The trained professionals
And tak tik toed,
Back to my family.
But I swallowed my pride.
I know that it
Would have been awkward
For everyone, having
Me around and the
Dust has not really
Ever settled. And
Mum was not
In a good place
After her dad, my grandad
Had passed away.
The doctors would have
Let me go in 6 to 8
Weeks and not
Harbour me longer
Than they needed.
David would have
Been ok truth be told
It was me who
Tried to dig up dead wood
With him, but my
Life was in ruins.
And I was too old
To blame my parents now
Was the way he saw it.
So I got a weekend pass,
Hoping that my parents
Would see sense and
Let me stay at theirs.
But they said sorry
No room at the inn.
There is only Grans.
And in my head
I was screaming.
I can't. I can't. Anywhere.
Anywhere but there.
A doctor and nurse
Said if anything happens
We are here around
The clock. Ok, I nodded.
I huddled in the spare room.
Gran was calm and
Cordial enough. I
Had a bath. Had tea.
Flitted to the kitchen,
Only when I had to.

I kept being woken
Up through the night
Because my alcoholic gran
Kept running past,
Back and forth
To the bathroom
With her alcohol induced
Gastroenteritis. So
In the small hours
I hopped on my bike,
And listened to
The advice or foresight
As it may have been.
I felt I was just tossed
Into the only free
Space available that
Was my Grans house.
So I did feel unwelcome
And unwnanted by them.
It did not take a professional
To foresee that
I would never get a
Chance to recover,
Under the same roof
As an alcoholic, still in
Bereavement. And
After they found
Out how I was treated
The time before,
They told me there
Are other options.
I DID have a choice.
I could choose not
To put myself in jeopardy,
And accept help.
We are here to help you.
Nobody gets thrown
On the streets, trust us.

I went back to
Collect some clothes
A few day's later.
My mum sealed it
For me when she
Fashioned up a scene
That was obviously a set up.
My gran was sitting
In the middle of
The kitchen, away from
The kitchen table
And mum was behind her.
Pointed at the doorway.
I knew right away
They were waiting
For me. And when I
Came in the door,
The room I needed
Was opposite the kitchen
My mum folded her arms
And said "YOU! Child!"
"Look how upset
Your Gran is. " And on cue
Gran burst into crocodile tears.
"It's a Coincidence that
Gran started hiding the
Bottles when you came.
You drove her to drink."
My mum was harsh
With words at best of times,
Speaking without thinking.
But THIS accusation?
I never expected it.
I know losing Grandad
Would be hard but,
This was inexcusable.
My Gran had been a user
For decades and was
Always a drinker.
This broke my heart.
I took her to bingo,
And the vets and shopping.
So I dashed round
The spare room
For what I needed and
Left the key. Click.
Here's my key.
I do not need anything else.
And all I got was
My gran pretending to
Wipe a tear and my
Mum narrowing her
Eyes at me.
The same green,
Cat shaped eyes,
I had inherited.