Sarah, I know this is a huge grief for you. Even though it may seem counter-productive, I encourage you to really feel it, in order to work through it. There are online resources for those who are grieving (and not just grieving an actual death), and I can send them to you, if you like.
When you feel ready, journaling can also help you say how you feel about what happened, how you feel now, and what (if anything) you would want in a future T, with specifics.
Kramar.