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Originally Posted by DapperChapper
I’m reluctant to trust my instincts, because I don’t have much experience in this area, so my instincts aren’t really based on anything.
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Oh I wasn't emphasizing to trust your instincts, if that's how you interpreted my first line. What I was doing was emphasizing that you should only trust your instincts if you know that they've been pretty accurate in the past. [/quote]
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Even in general I’m not sure how much I even use my instincts. Normally I try to be someone who weighs up the evidence before making a decision and doesn’t just jump to conclusions. Making a snap decision isn’t something that usually makes me comfortable, which is why I don’t like the idea my brain is trying to coerce me to run away.
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if you decide to see how things pan out with her, I don't think you're making a snap decision in any way and I don't think that letting something happen rather than reject the idea is at all rushing things. But I feel by the way you describe things that in your mind, NOT pushing this idea away is somehow the polar opposite and is committing yourself to this, it's not. there is a middle ground where you feel things out, wait and see and let things happen without 100% giving yourself to the idea of anything solid yet. Do you deal with a lot of black and white thinking in other areas of your life?
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My general lack of uncertainty is what’s getting me here. I just have no idea whether what I’m feeling is rational and I’m not sure what course of action to take. If I decided to (panic and) push this other person away, who’s to say whether it’s the right decision? Am I just going to go through the exact same thing whenever I next try to date someone?
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Lack of certainty, facing the uknown and the risk of getting hurt whenever you are getting into any relationship is a fact of life. It is not a unique thing that only you're experiencing but whether you let it stop you from finding out if it could be a good thing or not, is what you need to face. No one is going to be certain of how things will turn out with anyone they date, or get into a relationship with. heck, people that get married don't know how the rest of their lives will go down the road! Accept that this is part of the risk we take in deciding to date or get involved then figure out how you'll cope with the fact that it can be scary at times.
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Do I have a habit of running away from things that seems too good to be true? I’m not sure. When I started my new job, I was pretty anxious a lot of the time (thinking my co-workers hated me and that I was going to be fired), but I’ve been there nearly 6 months now and I’m a lot more relaxed about it. That’s kind of the only relevant example I can give though, as, most of the stuff I do, I’ve done for a long while, so I’m more certain of that. I’m apprehensive when I start new things, but I try to persevere if I enjoy them and give them a try to get a fair feel for them. I always want to trust people, unless they give me a reason not to, so I'll tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.
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you kind of answered your questions right here. You are apprehensive and anxious with new things. Everyone is to some extent but the intensity level is different depending on who you are. So it's ok to feel apprehensive with this new situation. It's new, it's unknown, it's risky. But are you wiling to take that risk for the possible reward of having someone special in your life or would you rather play it safe, but alone?
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Apart from giving this a fair chance, is there anything I can do to help myself in these situations? Is there a trick to managing the anxiety?
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Well what you're doing here is part of what you can do to deal with anxiety. talk to people, ask, analyze it, but in the end, decide. Decide to see this through (not assuming commitment but just to wait and see if she is indeed one you want to go further with) or to walk away but in the end, decide. If you decide to wait, then be final about it and don't flounder about. if you decide to let it go and walk away don't dwell on the idea that it might have been good and ruminate about it.
Finally, your anxiety based on what you've said is the fear of the unknown. That's ok but just figure out if you're going to let it stop you or not and then face it. Seems to me that you have no evidence based on your past - the only reason you parted ways was timing and it was mutual. The "match" on a dating app, which is not the end all but does say a little about common ground between you two, and thirdly, the fact that the date sounds like it went well. Everything is positive so all you've got left really is facing the fear of the uknown.
Dont' make a quick decision based on fear, take your time, be patient and just see how things work out. It may be that she's not right for you but hey, wouldn't you rather be sure that's the case before you walked away?