I am posting here because although I am a member of another forum, so is my T. We are both members of the same forum and work closely on that forum together however no one knows that he is my T in real life. I am therefore writing here because this is something that I just don't feel comfortable writing there...for obvious reasons.

I see my T once a week and twice if I am in crisis but we probably talk by email at least 3-4 times a week. He has even set up a private posting area for me to vent/journal so that we can get a better understanding of what I need to address in therapy. He even answers me on that other posting area when he has time. Basically he has been awesome. So you must wonder why I am posting then...well although I have lots of contact with him, it is like I need more. It feels like I want to have contact with him all the time.

I don't know if I am scared that he is going to terminate because my last T of 8 years up and left without notice but he helped me get through that and to even trust him...when I said that I would never trust another T. He was incredible when I tried to push him away...he wouldn't let me.

I just feel so dependent on him but I want to be dependent on him. I want to talk to him all the time, to be noticed by him. I know that he cares for me and said that he would never give up on me but I constantly think about him, wondering what he is doing, how he is doing etc. This just feels weird and I feel like a freak. I shouldn't be thinking like this. He is my T....although we are like friends on the forum. I just want his attention a lot and I wonder if that is wrong. I obviously can't talk to him about this. I just have never needed/wanted someone so much in my life before. I have always wanted to push people away but with him I want him closer...not in a sexual way though.

I don't even know if this is making any sense but it is helping me get this out. I have been holding it in for so long...like 2 years now.

Thank you for letting me get this out.