the past several weeks i have been struggling with a memory... or memories...and si...some of the memories i have know are real... i know happened... but these feel different... more dangerous.... unreal...but real...it started with the memory of a smell... the smell of freshly washed and ironed sheets... the smell of air dried sheets lightly starched... i haven't smelled that smell since i was a teenager at my grandmothers house... it triggered a barrage of memories... but not like ... first this happened and then that... it was pictures that seemed to flash and then the realization that i had seen those flashes in my mind before... but this time i realized that it was my dad's room at my grandmas... the reality of what he did isn't as much cognative as it is sensory... in my body... and if it happened there he was one of my abusers... and that brought together other "normal'memories that now don't feel "normal".... and all of this just makes me want to si.,, is this real? or am i making it all up?