I didn't want it to be this way! Because of my medical issues ( sciatic chronic pain, anxiety, panic, blood clots, and more) I haven't felt so attached to my T. Yesterday in my session I told her I don't care about her anymore! I'm preoccupied with my physical ailments, though she helps me get calm from the anxiety.

The irony is that I'm not physically attracted to her now, which is healthier, of course, but I feel so confused and disappointed. I looked forward to the good feelings I got from being with her because of the way she looked. But now she looks different and I feel blah. I told her this in the session and I KNOW it's that I want someone in real life to be attracted to. I still love T but in a normal way. I want it to be the way it was! I emailed her that I am pathetic, ashamed and embarrassed about this. I reached my goal but at the expense of my physical health, it seems.

I'm probably not making much sense. The bottom line is that T never stopped gently pushing me to focus in my real life, not on my feelings for her. I struggled with that for 8 years. Now, because she is making herself unattractive to me (not on purpose) and because of my physical condition, I realize how it's supposed to be. Reality after so many years and it's bittersweet! I am relating more to people in my real life, and T is still here for me but I miss being unhealthy emotionally. It was better than being unhealthy physically. I feel like the character in that old book, I Never Promised You a Rose Garden. Normal lacks colors and excitement. I've got to look for that person in my real life, if I ever get over these
physical conditions.