I have told him my T I love him. Not very often but not because I would be scared or embarrassed. I've said it when I've felt in clearly in the moment and those moments are rare because mostly I feel confused, fragmented, irritated or empty.

The first time I said it he just accepted it like it would be something very natural. Last time when I said it quite few months ago, he did not accept it like this anymore but pointed out that I don't really see him as a separate person and that I actually love the motherly function he performs for me. I suppose it was/is still correct. I did not feel bad him pointing it out because this is just the overarching topic we work on presently - being able to see and perceive other people as separate subjective entities. I still have great difficulties with that.

As for him loving me, he said it several time during our first two years. It felt good to hear it back then but of course there was no way I could really believe it because I had no idea what it would mean. Now he has changed over time and prefers not to say it but now I know he loves me. I'm so sure of it now that I don't really need him to spell it out. I said once during the last year that I know that he loves me and he just agreed. Considering what we've come through together it just feels natural.