I do resonate with all you wrote.

At the end, the sessions with my former therapist were chippy. I had recently realized (maybe within the past two months) that I was attached to her. Very unexpected for someone like me. The sessions were heavy and my admissions of finding it hard to even sit near her, were met with, "Ugh. Not again." It was a roller coaster. I'd be okay one session and then one leg itching to run out the door, the next.

A few sessions prior to termination, I had walked out and let my emotions get the best of me, saying I'd mail in her outstanding payments (inferring I was done) before leaving about 1/2 hour into session.
Days later, she asked me to come back and we had a couple more anxiety-ridden sessions. At the end of our last session together, she admitted she was having to talk about me in her own supervision sessions with her therapist and that she wanted to keep me and not lose me. This did not sit well with me. I now felt obligated to stay and I ditched the plan I had (which was to cancel the next session and slowly fade-out). After she said that she didn't want to lose me, I found myself not wanting to disappoint her, so I didn't cancel, never revealing that I was thinking about letting things naturally dissolve.

It didn't matter, though. She ended up taking care of that for me. The night before (what ended up being) my final session, she text messaged me that she had to cancel our appointment (it was already the 4th cancellation in as many months) because her grandmother died and she need to leave out-of-town right then.

In my gut, I knew something was up- but I wasn't sure what to do. The next morning, when she should have been "gone," I was pumping gas and saw her car outside of a restaurant. This ended up being a stroke of luck, because it prompted me to snoop on her boyfriend's Instagram page (I felt bad about this, but even more so, now) and later that night, he uploaded pics of her golfing with him (and her daughter.) Under his IG caption about enjoying a "Friday night golf session," she said: "Thanks babe! I had so much fun!" Ouch. In the meantime, I'm absolutely heartbroken.

It became clear I couldn't trust her again. If I had to guess, I do think her grandmother passed; I don't think she'd lie to that extent, but she didn't have to leave when she said she did... which went against what she was trying to get me to learn through therapy: stop picking emotionally unavailable women who spend their time avoiding me, as I try and get them to love me. As she said (in those instances where other women in my life lied/avoided), I deserve someone who can meet me with the truth.

I felt betrayed and abandoned. I no longer trusted her and she wasn't the "same" to me anymore. The thought of hearing her voice just made me want to cry and I terminated the easiest way for me: Through a letter I sent via certified mail.
After she rec'd it, she called me, I sent her to my voicemail, and she left a message saying, "Since I've known you for a while, here's what happened" and proceeded to tell me about how her grandmother was suffering from a long bout of cancer, died that night, and she drove to pick up her daughter and straight out of town.
That, too, broke my heart. At the end of the message, she said thought it was a good idea to terminate (I had already done so via the letter) so I could find someone I was more comfortable with. She wished me the best, told me to take care, but multiple times said she would like to talk about it (honestly, I haven't thought about that part in a while- it actually made me tear up just writing that) and then repeated it a few times. "I'm here to talk if you need to, which I would very much like."

I remember thinking, "I wonder if she thinks I'm just being an avoidant and running away again," as she had told me and one time, asked me "not to pull by avoidant bullsh-t with her."

The abandonment pangs were excruciating. There were a few times I nearly called her. Once I composed an entire email and was thisclose to pressing send. But what was the point? She hurt me, or at least, her actions did. What closure would be obtained if she was still skirting the truth?

After termination, it took a few days to get out of bed. People in my life didn't understand me and admonished me for getting attached. They looked at me like I was crazy. I soon stopped talking about her, but the weight of her hung heavy on my shoulders. It's been over a year and sometimes, I still "talk" to her as if we're in session. As a matter of fact, I find when I find something funny about life, I still occasionally think about telling her and then I remember where we are. Nowhere. Nothing. And all we were was therapist and client.

On some days, the burden of the thought of her returns and I find it hard to breathe. Almost like something sitting on my chest and my skin crawls and I itch to see her. And then I remind myself that's my attachment trauma and a response of the nervous system. Usually, I lay still, feel the feelings, try and release them through my feet and have a good cry.

I know what you're going through and how devastating it is. I felt lost, confused, betrayed, abandoned, heartbroken, angry, and sometimes, apologetic because I didn't behave perfectly (my issues, again). Anyhoo, if you ever need to message me when you're having a hard time, please feel free to do so