I feel like crap today to the point where I wore scrubs to work instead of the usual business attire. I spent most of the night fighting with the boyfriend; I think we are on the last leg. He keeps getting medical bills from his asthma so I called his doctor since I'm one of the contacts he allowed release of information too and apparently his doctor has been saying everything I've said. I just can't stand by every time he has an asthma attack when he would just use the stupid nebulizer. I asked him to take a long lunch and tag along when I go to the Cardiologist; since I am honestly terrified. He told me no that work was more important. I am honestly terrified of getting bad news, or getting dismissed. He's also annoyed that when I made my appointment for a pap I made it with my usual doctor who is a male and he felt the need to fly off the handle. I just don't care about his temper tantrums. He is two years older than I am and he wants to act like a child.

I can't ask my father to tag along to the Cardiologist because he would try to railroad the doctor into doing what father thinks is best for me and that's not what I need. I can't ask mom because she is so messed up from the cancer that she can't communicate properly. I can't ask boyfriend's mother because well he'd get even more mad. My aunt works all the time, my uncle drives a truck and will probably be someplace like New York on that day. The sweet Physician Assistant told me he would tag along and hold my hand, he also has anxiety and knows a big chunk of my feelings. I just don't want to make the boyfriend more mad; but I also don't want to go alone. It's not like I'm seeing my primary doc I love going alone to those, but I'm just terrified of being alone for this doctor. What would you guys do? I really need advice. My trust makes me not want to trust Physician Assistant but he really seems to care; granted everything that happened with the last job hurt me when they betrayed me.

I feel like depression is lurking ready to pounce; and I don't need that at the moment. I don't need my anxiety getting the better of me; because that is what causes panic attacks. The PTSD makes me not want to trust anyone, I wish I could lock myself in my office and just be the Referral ghost.

Maybe my Therapist can make heads or tails of this since I do see him in ten minutes.

Hugs to everyone