Therapy was eyeopening tonight. He called me a strong intelligent women who deserves some happiness. He thinks the boyfriend is a large man child. He thinks my father needs to keep his emotional distress to himself about mom's condition. This back and fourth of home stress and work is a big stresser of my anxiety. I didn't feel like going home and facing the boyfriend and or the parents. I'm hiding out at my Aunt's house, my cousins are spending the night with friends, Uncle is on the road as usual, so it's just her and I. I really needed to get away and think.

She and the therapist think I am terrified of Nurse Practitioner's and that's why I can trust my family doc enough to do a women exam. I showed them both my stretch marks the Zyprexa caused me, they are all over the place my arms, stomach, thighs, among other places. I wish I could go back to the 160 before the Zyprexa; before she put me on something that caused more depression. The only reason I saw this NP was because of my boss pressuring me, and the other NP put me on Latuda and wouldn't even listen to my side effects. He's the only one who actually bothered to care about my issues; of course I freaking trust him, he hasn't given me a reason not to.

Auntie thinks I should truly call it quits with the boyfriend which I can't think about because we've been together a year and he is my second longest relationship. My longest was two years and I only broke up with him so that he could go to the school of his dreams; I was scared that he stuck with the plan he would end up resenting me in the long run.

They both think I should let the PA in, instead of trying to build more walls. So I texted him and asked if he would still be willing to tag along to my Cardio appointment. He texted back anytime I needed. I just feel like I don't know what to do, it feels like I had a good week and suddenly my weekend is turning into shyt.

I just feel conflicted.

On the way home to Aunt's house I heard a song that really described my anxiety and bipolar caution there are a few F-Words.

Hugs to everyone