I hate scales, wish they'd never been invented. But when my old scale stopped working (it was digital), I went and bought a new one...sigh. Mad at the scale right now because I have PMS, that always causes my weight to go up a bit.

I just want to stay at this one specific number, so unrealistic. I know I really need to gain weight to be healthy, but I don't want to. I'm not so low a weight people just instantly think ED unless I'm wearing something that shows my chest, my spine (bones, which the ED likes...sigh). Found another pair of my smaller jeans I didn't get rid of and am glad of that because I only had one other pair that wasn't awfully loose and falling down.

I now weigh within 10 lb. of my 10 (soon to be 11 next month) year old daughter. She is tall for her age (over 5 ft now), and not overweight, can wear some of my clothes, doesn't like a lot of my pants because I like my clothes fitted and she does not like fitted clothes. She wore a pair of my capri pants for a recent dance performance at school.

Last week, one day, my daughter asked my husband (while I was sitting with them) why I am so small. Ugh. I've tried to explain to her about eating disorders, and while I I feel she definitely does not want to ever be fat or teased about her weight, my being so skinny she didn't get. She was like why not just don't exercise? if the doctor says you will feel better if you weigh at least X? I didn't want to have to explain all about the effects of sexual abuse (physical & mental too and bad and even weird bad - like a near shooting - life events). Hate that she notices though.

I'm better than I was in college. Really, I'm shocked I got through that without the hospital. I came back from 80 lb., maybe a little less on my own, which God, I wonder how in the world I did that, in my early 20s too, so quite young. But obviously, I never did recover 100%