It's interesting that some people have a strong desire to express love to the T but just as equally strong to keep it inside/away from them. I never experienced this personally in relation to a T but I wonder if it's just a version of a general push/pull dynamic that can manifest in many different everyday relationship? I think almost everyone wants to experience some level of closeness and love but if there are internal currents going against that experience and interaction, it will of course generate these dilemmas. I had a couple of relationships like that in the past and when I look at them in retrospect, the common denominator was that they were not secure, open and fulfilling relationships. Mostly constructs with a lot of limitations and imbalance. I don't even have feelings to push and pull or even to doubt love and my relationships otherwise much but did in those ones. And I think therapy resembles those kinds of imbalanced relationships in many ways due to its intrinsic weird, unequal structure on the edges between something very personal but professionally managed. I really don't think one needs to have a host of past traumas and disorders to experience it that way and find it uncomfortable, hard to resolve the dilemmas etc. I personally refused to even get into that territory in therapy because I knew that intimacy would never work for me if not reciprocal and very open, I even lose the desire and interest if it does not have a natural flow of love and engagement, but can feel desires in bursts, if for nothing else, because it's ultimately unsatisfying. I personally would not want to express and exacerbate those desires because I don't think they are healthy for me.