((Deyla)), It was good that you calmed down and were able to write that recent post explaining your history with this guy. Your instincts and gut feelings were right about him from the beginning. Now that you were able to write out the history with him along with your feelings and your own actions, you have a better chance to look at all the pieces of this puzzle and see how you contributed to this picture, not realizing it which a lot of people do not just you.

Most women subconsciously and instinctively want a man that will take care of them. This is on a deep level in that because women are the child bearers, and our babies are dependent for so long, the woman tends to look for a strong male that can provide and protect in a way that provides "safety". As long as a female ovulates, this is something she will "instinctively" desire often not even realizing it on a more conscious level. Men look for a female for different reasons, one of the instincts in a male is that of domination once the male gains the woman's attention and if you look at nature itself, most males in nature do have some kind of "display" they use to attract females. In nature it's the "males" that tend to have more color. You know Delay, we are intelligent human beings but we are STILL animals and we STILL have drives that revolve around "nature's design" that sets us up to procreate.

In your post you have described this:

So, despite the fact that your gut feelings about this guy were strong in saying this guy was wrong for you, you ended up in a situation where you had a "need" and because you knew he liked you what did you do? You called him and asked him for help. You opened a door for him.

You really did not want him Deyla, your gut STILL was saying no. Yet, because you did call him and he came to the "rescue" you gave in because, after all, you were obligated right? Well, what you don't realize is that his persistence also drew you into that acceptance. We call this courtship, but the truth is, a lot of animals practice this, including human animals.

Here again Deyla, your gut kept telling you "no" and you even said something to your brother. Yet, because this guy was "nice" you gave into that instead of your gut. Part of this was that you don't trust your own feelings, after all, you experienced someone (your ex and even your friend) you thought you could trust ending up letting you down in a big way. And part of this is that you were being courted and you liked it on an instinctual level.

This sometimes happens because you bought into the "after all he took care of me when I needed something" thoughts. Yet, your gut kept telling you he was wrong for you and you kept ignoring it, even to the point of biting your tongue when this guy began to believe it was ok to "invade" your boundaries. Because we tend to react by instinct instead of actual reason you are definitely not alone in making this mistake. This relationship forum in literally full of this problem and the ongoing battle of reason vs these more animal instincts human beings all have.

Deyla, you didn't fall for him, not really. You fell for something else you "thought" that he might provide you with, and honestly, a lot of people/women make this mistake. You wanted a presence you could feel safe with, he rescued you and treated you nice and that's why you took the risk even though your gut kept telling you not to. Yet, part of this not trusting in your own gut feelings is because of your exhusband who ended up doing something to you that completely caught you off guard. Experiencing this can do a lot of damage to a person's "self trust". This is what makes a person "vulnerable" too. What you experienced with your ex-husband made you question your own judgement, and not only that but it also made you question your "self worth" too.

When a relationship experiences a major threat to a person's trust, it definitely brings about some big emotional challenges and sense of self worth. This deep injury to one's personal sense of worthiness makes a person more susceptible to giving into someone who is pursuing in that when that happens it actually brings about "some" restoration to, self worth. Most "rebound" relationships fail because of this in that often the self worth is suffering so much that a person overlooks other things that are red flags where the individual pursuing them is not right for them. This is because of the damage someone suffers to their ability to trust, not only others but themselves, and their sense of self worth is also very damaged too. Actually, this is the main reason you called him and said "I was expecting you to call". This was not about wanting him, it was your effort to hang onto your personal self worth. Actually, that is also why you experience anger in how this guy plays his game with other women too. Truth is you gave in because you needed to regain your personal sense of self worth. That IS important to you and that was very damaged. This guy was never right for you, and you felt that all along, but you needed your self worth restored so badly that you ignored your gut and that is something a lot of people do without really realizing "why".

Actually, if you think about it a little differently where, let's say you had a customer come in to the restaurant and you waited on that customer knowing you do well at that an the customer is mean to you and catches you off guard and is very disrespectful towards you. That can leave anyone with some self doubt. Yet, what helps that is when a few other customers come in and are nice, they show you appreciation and actually tip you. This restores your sense of self worth again and keeps you going with a stronger attitude towards your work.

Well, that is often what a person is trying to experience in a rebound relationship, some restoration feelings.

So, this guy moved on "quickly" and the reason that bothered you? The main reason for that was it "hit you in your self worth need". That was really the MAIN reason you even went out with him and "allowed" him to do more than you should have allowed him to do. You also thought, "maybe this guy CAN actually take care of me where I can feel safe again", but that failed too and your gut told you that but you don't "trust" yourself remember?

So, this guy came into the restaurant, invaded your boundaries and that entire experience left you feeling all confused and you ended up breaking down and "crying" in desperation and confusion, leading to this vent.

I am helping you look at the puzzle you presented here Deyla. When you wrote the above post you were way too upset to think about the puzzle. But you got to cry and feel and finally calmed down where you were able to post a picture with words, and that's good, that is where you can write things out so you can finally start seeing the entire picture so you can better understand how this all happened. I wanted to show you how your own "humanity" played a role in how you chose to disregard your gut feelings too and why you were vulnerable to doing that in ways you had not realized. The tears you shed were due to your suffering a hit to your self trust and your personal sense of self worth. Yes, your gut was right, but, you wanted something you could embrace without even realizing it that you were trying to restore too. You wanted your sense of self worth back. Well, that ended up taking yet another big hit. Actually, so much so that now you are grieving "both bad relationships" because they both really damaged your personal sense of self worth. Unfortunately, when our self worth is damaged we can be very sensitive and susceptible not really knowing how to heal and restore. This makes us more "vulnerable", and insecure and doubtful, and that's a very HUMAN reaction ((Deyla)).

You "can" get to this point Deyla, You just need to sit and look at the bigger picture and understand yourself better and recognize your "own humanity". This guy was never really going to fill that need you had where you could regain your sense of self worth. You just did not listen to your own "gut" and wisdom and that's because of your lack of self trust because of what you experienced with your ex-husband. Actually, your gut has been consistently right Deyla, you did the right thing when you walked away. You always knew this guy was wrong, but what you wanted more was "that self worth", that's what made you so vulnerable, that's what the crying is also about too. A part of you wanted this guy to pursue you, that's the "need for self worth part" that you gave into. Unfortunately, a lot of people experience this kind of double hit in a rebound relationship and sometimes, they experience some restoration and begin to see how the rebound person isn't really the right fit for them. You were vulnerable, and yet you were right all along. Understanding how you were vulnerable, and how that contributed to this challenge will help you finally get past this and do what you always knew was the right thing to do, "cut this guy loose" once and for all.