Your post came to me yesterday and you’ve been on my mind and heart today.

My dad died around 8 years ago, I think, and when he died I cried for 3 days. I was crying but I didn’t know why I was crying. We had no close relationship and there were so many unanswered questions and shame.

After I cried for 3 days, my emotions for that shut off. There was nothing there. I don’t know if there was anything there while the tears came. The best I can gather up is that I was crying for what I didn’t have. I was crying for the relationship that was not offered to me by him.

My mom is in her 80s and has health issues. She has been in ICU in a very bad place, health wise.

That was about a year ago and I remember sitting by her bed, in ICU, doing my duty as her daughter with no emotional connection to her. I felt like a horrible person because I felt that way and had no emotion for what was going on.

I’ve tried to use the excuse that hurt people hurt people. I remember thinking that, sitting in ICU looking at her and wondering what was wrong with me.

My counselor has invited me to look at radical acceptance. It’s accepting things for what they are without judgement for your feelings towards them or yourself, basically an “it is what it is” or “it’s not good nor is it bad, it is what it is” kind of thing.

For some reason it changes the perspective in some way.

My mother and father both grew up in terrible hardship, which they passed down to me in the form of unnecessarily hard discipline and other things that wounded me in many ways.

I’m torn between wanting to yell are her and feeling deep compassion for her and my dads hardship.

We should not be the pice that is paid for their hurt. We should not have to be the ones who are the buckets that keep passing it down.

I made a different choice. Like you, it stops here! The choices that I’ve made with my boys are healing my heart. It’s filling the bucket with better stuff to pass forward. I’m thankful for the undoing that I had 5 years ago. It opened the door for that.

I look back and want to have feelings for them, my parents, and I pray that healing comes. I pray that it does for you too!

I hope this wasn’t too much to put here. You have been with me all day today.

I’ll be thinking of you.

Trail.