Forgive me if this is too forward, but I'm reading between the lines here and it seems like the possibility of CSA in your past is all tied up with guilt and absolution. As though you could forgive yourself for your behavior if it were due to/caused by/has its origins in CSA, but you can't forgive yourself if there is no CSA in your past.

I'd like to suggest that the two can be separated - which might make it easier to live with the ambiguity of never knowing for sure what did or didn't happen.

I don't really know what the behavior is that upsets you, but that doesn't really matter. It's not for me to judge. I think, though, that it's possible to forgive yourself regardless of the origin - to accept it or make amends or just something that will make it easier to live with.

I also thing it's helpful to remember that CSA in the past and later behaviors don't exist in a 1 to 1 correspondence. The whole matter is pretty complicated. People who have been abused sometimes exhibit x behavior, sometimes they don't - and nobody really knows why. People without a history of abuse can also exhibit x behavior - and nobody really knows why.

Anyway, I hope you find some way to think through the whole thing and feel better.