he did.. but he was joking! we were both smiling by that time.. and he said i was one of a very small handful of the dozens and dozens of people i see that i can say that to

i adore him.. again.. as if i hadn't.. of course i did, i was heartbroken because i care about him so much.. and i am so vulnerable

he said he was very sorry i felt so very bad.. i didn't ask him to apologize for any of the rest.. i just wanted to talk it out. Once we started it was pretty clear to me how my thinking had ran off and gotten so convoluted. He understood why i felt blind-sided... and the gratis thing? well.. i decided i didn't want him to say anything about it.. i told him how it had hurt me, but in light of how the conversation was going.. i wanted to allow him to be human too..

this was a very hard but very productive session...

and something big happened..

i cried.

dead serious... ME... I cried... big rolly plop tears

i had told him on my very first appt that if i ever cried in front of him he should go buy a lotto ticket.. so after my appt i bought a funny card and a stuck a lotto ticket in it and left it at the reception desk.

i feel so very bad for how out of hand this got.. for not being able to look at his recent actions and see that he cared.. for the fear that sweeps through me and not being able to even stop and think much less stop it altogether...

but we ended well i think... he asked me close to the end "are we ok?" and it touched me..

in the card, with the ticket i wrote "...yeah, we're ok..."

someone please.. remind me of this very post when the next time comes around... and it will because deep schema do not just go away... remind me that above any mistakes, slips, and even dumb %#@&#! stuff... above all of it, he has been rock solid, kind, giving, smart, funny and very caring. Feel free, be brutal... remind me to think of this

god i wish i wasn't so %#@&#! up