Yes I agree it is too bad I "ran into" that psychoanalyst (my first T) that was not appropriate for me. But I did not just run into a single bad T in an environment that provided little. I chose him in an environment (where I live) that, if any, probably has the larger selection and most diverse set of therapists on Earth currently. I mean, someone like me, with all the analytical capabilities and interests, getting turned off by a single experience? We can of course also ask why I kept seeing him for almost a year, and even went back? I wasn't all that healthy and self-sufficient during that period at all.
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Originally Posted by octoberful
I have self destructive behavior too but think mine is more related to trauma and introjection. Was that after you had issues with bullying? You might have some introjection too, where the trauma sort of melts/binds with your internal processes and sense of self.
The behavioral part, I think, can have an impact as not waiting for motivation to do things can ingrain a new habit over time. It is easier said than done I know. Self sabotage can be so many things.. Have you ever considered Intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy (ISTDP)?
Afterthought-it might be worth a try to seek an analyst 70+ who does both analytic therapy and psychiatry. |
All the self-destructive behavior was after the bullying, the bullying took place before age 10 and everything else after. Definitely my eating disorder followed right after that and I only had 2-3 years seemingly without self-destruction and addiction in my 20's (maybe not even that, I had sex and relationships then) before alcoholism followed. So we can confidently say I never had any life without addiction and self-destruction, before this current bout in my 40's. But how long is this going to last (and is this really free of excess, I don't think so)? Also, my quitting wasn't a linear process, to say the least. What turns me off therapy mostly is that it's been exactly this last ~4 years (during which I also tried therapy) that I've been away from the real bad addictive issues. Including stopping an obsession with therapy as well, very much on my own. Well, with the help of this forum.
That first guy was 70+, with many years of experience as a T. I agree that a doctor who's trained in both psychiatry and psychotherapy might be best for me. I actually know quite a few via my work. Yes I have considered intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy, but so far only in thought. Someone should really convince me now. I really think that I have biological predispositions (both lineages of my family are packed with mental illness) and I might benefit from some sort of medication or combination of meds. It is the most stupid thing that someone like me, working for one of the best Psychiatry departments in the country (okay, now enough of self-disclosure
) refrains from meds so much. Or even therapy, at this point. With all this seeming openness. It does not make any sense, and I know these things usually don't follow rationality. Why these rock-hard defenses then against getting closer to my goals?! Not even the why... I guess I might keep the defenses even if it was 100% clear. But how to overcome it? See, this is why I think medication.... But maybe a really good T could help, someone that would snap me out of this. I knew someone like that when I was freshly sober in 2015-16. He was also a recovered addict. Unfortunately he got ill and died quite quickly after a short battle with cancer, just a few months apart from my beloved father. Sometimes I seem to have perceptions that some Ts could help me in similar ways, but it is very rare. It is also true that I don't search, even though I still live in that environment with the highest selection and variety of therapists ever, and I could even afford it!